Edge Game

63 - A Modicum of Cum (feat. Nicholas ”Nikocado Avocado” Perry AKA Gurwinder Bhogal)

www.goodluckgabe.life 
 
The Perils of Audience Capture
How influencers become brainwashed by their audiences
The Man Who Ate Himself
In 2016, 24 year old Nicholas Perry wanted to be big online. He started uploading videos to his YouTube channel in which he pursued his passion—playing the violin—and extolled the virtues of veganism. He went largely unnoticed.
 
A year later, he abandoned veganism, citing health concerns. Now free to eat whatever he wanted, he began uploading mukbang videos of himself consuming various dishes while talking to the camera, as if having dinner with a friend.
 
These new videos quickly found a sizable audience, but as the audience grew, so did their demands. The comments sections of the videos soon became filled with people challenging Perry to eat as much as he physically could. Eager to please, he began to set himself torturous eating challenges, each bigger than the last. His audience applauded, but always demanded more. Soon, he was filming himself eating entire menus of fast food restaurants in one sitting.
 
In some respects, all his eating paid off; Nikocado Avocado, as Perry is now better known, has amassed over six million subscribers across six channels on YouTube. By satisfying the escalating demands of his audience, he got his wish of blowing up and being big online. But the cost was that he blew up and became big in ways he hadn't anticipated.
Top: Nicholas Perry when he first started making mukbang videos. Bottom: Perry transformed by his audience’s desires into Nikocado.
Nikocado, moulded by his audience’s desires into a cartoonish extreme, is now a wholly different character from Nicholas Perry, the vegan violinist who first started making videos. Where Perry was mild-mannered and health conscious, Nikocado is loud, abrasive, and spectacularly grotesque. Where Perry was a picky eater, Nikocado devoured everything he could, including finally Perry himself. The rampant appetite for attention caused the person to be subsumed by the persona.
 
We often talk of "captive audiences," regarding the performer as hypnotizing their viewers. But just as often, it's the viewers hypnotizing the performer. This disease, of which Perry is but one victim of many, is known as audience capture, and it's essential to understanding influencers in particular and the online ecosystem in general.
 
Lost in the Looking Glass
Audience capture is an irresistible force in the world of influencing, because it's not just a conscious process but also an unconscious one. While it may ostensibly appear to be a simple case of influencers making a business decision to create more of the content they believe audiences want, and then being incentivized by engagement numbers to remain in this niche forever, it's actually deeper than that. It involves the gradual and unwitting replacement of a person's identity with one custom-made for the audience.
 
To understand how, we must consider how people come to define themselves. A person's identity is being constantly refined, so it needs constant feedback. That feedback typically comes from other people, not so much by what they say they see as by what we think they see. We develop our personalities by imagining ourselves through others' eyes, using their borrowed gazes like mirrors to dress ourselves.
 
Just as lacking a mirror to dress ourselves leaves us disheveled, so lacking other people's eyes to refine our personalities leaves us uncouth. This is why those raised in isolation, like poor Genie, become feral humans, adopting the character of beasts.
 
Put simply, in order to be someone, we need someone to be someone for. Our personalities develop as a role we perform for other people, fulfilling the expectations we think they have of us. The American sociologist Charles Cooley dubbed this phenomenon “the looking glass self.” Evidence for it is diverse, and includes the everyday experience of seeing ourselves through imagined eyes in social situations (the spotlight effect), the tendency for people to alter their behavior when in the presence of pictures of eyes (the watching-eye effect), and the tendency for people in virtual spaces to adopt the traits of their avatars in an attempt to fulfill expectations (the Proteus effect).
 
When we lived in small tight-knit communities, the looking glass self helped us to become the people our loved ones needed us to be. The “Michelangelo phenomenon” is the name given to the semi-conscious cycle of refinement and feedback whereby lovers who genuinely care what each other think gradually grow closer to their partner's original ideal of them.
 
The problem is, we no longer live solely among those we know well. We're now forced to refine our personalities by the countless eyes of strangers. And this has begun to affect the process by which we develop our identities.
 
Gradually we're all gaining online audiences, and we don't really know these people. We can only gauge who they are by what some of them post online, and what people post online is not indicative of who they really are. As such, the people we're increasingly becoming someone for are an abstract illusion.
 
When influencers are analyzing audience feedback, they often find that their more outlandish behavior receives the most attention and approval, which leads them to recalibrate their personalities according to far more extreme social cues than those they'd receive in real life. In doing this they exaggerate the more idiosyncratic facets of their personalities, becoming crude caricatures of themselves.
 
The caricature quickly becomes the influencer's distinct brand, and all subsequent attempts by the influencer to remain on-brand and fulfill audience expectations require them to act like the caricature. As the caricature becomes more familiar than the person, both to the audience and to the influencer, it comes to be regarded by both as the only honest expression of the influencer, so that any deviation from it soon looks and feels inauthentic. At that point the persona has eclipsed the person, and the audience has captured the influencer.
 
The old Greek legends tell of Narcissus, a youth so handsome he became besotted by his own reflection. Unable to look away from his image in the surface of the waters, he fell still forever, and was transformed by the gods into a flower. Similarly, as influencers glimpse their idealized online personas reflected back at them on screens, they too are in danger of becoming eternally besotted by how they appear, and in so doing, forgetting who they were, or could be.
 
III. The Prostitution of the Intellect
Audience capture is a particular problem in politics, due to both phenomena being driven by popular approval. On Twitter I've watched many political influencers gradually become radicalized by their audiences, starting off moderate but following their increasingly extreme followers toward the fringes.
 
One example is Louise Mensch, a once-respectable journalist and former Conservative politician who in 2016 published a story about Trump's alleged ties to Russia, which went viral. She subsequently gained a huge audience of #NotMyPresident #Resist types, and, encouraged by her new, indignant audience to uncover more evidence of Trump's corruption, she appears to have begun to view herself as the one who'd prove Russiagate and bring down the Donald. The immense responsibility she felt to her audience seems to have motivated her to see dramatic patterns in pure noise, and to concoct increasingly speculative conspiracy theories about Trump and Russia, such as the claim that Vladimir Putin assassinated Andrew Breitbart, the founder of Breitbart News, so his job would go to Trump ally Steve Bannon. When her former allies, such as the hacker known as "the Jester," expressed concern over her new trajectory toward fringe theories, she doubled down, accusing all her critics of being Trump shills or Putin shills.
 
Another, more recent victim of audience capture is Maajid Nawaz. I've always liked Maajid, and as someone who once worked with the organization he founded, the counter terrorism think-tank Quilliam, I'm aware of how careful and considered he can be. Unfortunately, since the pandemic, he's been different. His descent began with him posting a few vague theories about the virus being a fraud perpetrated on an unsuspecting public, and after his posts went viral he found himself being inundated with new "Covid-skeptic" followers, who showered him with new leads to chase.
 
In January, after he lost his position at the radio show LBC due to his increasingly careless theories about a secretive New World Order, he implied his firing was part of the conspiracy to silence the truth, and urged his loyal followers to subscribe to his Substack, as this was now his family’s only source of income. His new audience proved to be generous with both money and attention, and his need to meet their expectations seems to have spurred him, consciously or unconsciously, to double down on his more extreme views. Now almost everything he writes about, from Covid to Ukraine, he somehow ties to the shadowy New World Order.
 
Motivated by his audience to continually uncover new truths about the conspiracy, Maajid has been forced to scrape the barrel of claims. His recent work is his wildest yet, combining common tropes like resurrected Nazi eugenics programs, satanic rituals, and the Bilderberg meeting. Among the fields he now relies on for his evidence are... numerology.
 
Twitter avatar for @MaajidNawaz
Maajid أبو عمّار 
@MaajidNawaz
British MPs have begun voting on a motion of ‘no confidence’ in the UK Parliament against Prime Minister Johnson. 
 
The vote commenced at:
 
6pm, on the
6th day, of the
6th month. 
 
No joke. 
 
آل عمران:[54]
وَمَكَرُوا وَمَكَرَ اللَّهُ وَاللَّهُ خَيْرُ الْمَاكِرِينَ 
Twitter avatar for @MaajidNawaz
Maajid أبو عمّار 
@MaajidNawaz
3 of our British MPs were at this dodgy af global Bilderberg meeting:
 
Michael Gove (con)
Tom Tugendhat (con)
David Lammy (lab)
 
Their attendance alone must be remembered if they ever seek leadership of their respective political parties and hence try to become PM of Britain https://t.co/EKohVzfaiN
6:52 PM ∙ Jun 6, 2022
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There is clear value in investigating the corruption that pervades the misty pinnacles of power, but by defining himself by his audience's view of him as the uncoverer of a global conspiracy, Maajid has ensured he'll see evidence of the conspiracy in all things. Instead of performing real investigation, he is now merely playing the role of investigator for his audience, a role that requires drama rather than diligence, and which can lead only to his audience’s desired conclusions.
 
Muddying the Waters to Obscure the Reflection
Maajid, Mensch, and Perry are far from the only victims of audience capture. Given how fundamental the looking glass self is to the development of our personalities, every influencer has likely been affected by it to some degree. And that includes me.
 
I'm no authority on the degree to which my mind has been captured by you, my audience. But I do suspect that audience capture affects me far less than most influencers because I've taken specific steps to avoid it. I was aware of the pitfall long before I became an influencer. I wanted an audience, but I also knew that having the wrong audience would be worse than having no audience, because they'd constrain me with their expectations, forcing me to focus on one tiny niche of my worldview at the expense of everything else, until I became a parody of myself.
 
It was clear to me that the only way to resist becoming what other people wanted me to be was to have a strong sense of who I wanted to be. And who I wanted to be was someone immune to audience capture, someone who thinks his own thoughts, decides his own destiny, and above all, never stops growing.
 
I knew there were limits to my desired independence, because, whether we like it or not, we all become like the people we surround ourselves with. So I surrounded myself with the people I wanted to be like. On Twitter I cultivated a reasonable, open-minded audience by posting reasonable, open-minded tweets. The biggest jumps in my follower count came from my megathreads of mental models, which cover so many topics from so many perspectives that the people who appreciated them enough to follow me would need to be willing to consider new perspectives. Naturally these people came to view me as, and expected me to be, an independent thinker as open to learning and growing as themselves.
 
In this way I ensured that my brand image—the person that my audience expects me to be—was in alignment with my ideal image—the person I want to be. So even though audience capture likely does affect me in some way, it only makes me more like the person I want to be. I hacked the system.
 
My brand image is, admittedly, diffuse and weak. My Twitter bio is “saboteur of narratives,” and few people can say for sure what I’m about, other than vague things like “thinker” or “dumb fuck.” And that's how I like it. My vagueness makes me hard to pigeonhole, predict, and capture.
 
For this same reason, I'm suspicious of those with strong, sharply delineated brands. Human beings are capricious and largely formless storms of idiosyncrasies, so a human only develops a clear and distinct identity through the artifice of performance.
 
Nikocado has a clear and distinct identity, but its clarity and distinctness make it hard to escape. He may be a millionaire with legions of fans, but his videos, filled with complaints-disguised-as-jokes about his poor health, hardly make him seem happy.
 
Unfortunately, salvation seems out of reach for him because his audience, or at least the audience he imagines, demands he be the same as he was yesterday. And even if he were to find the strength to break character and be himself again, he’s been acting for so long that stopping would only make him feel like an imposter.
 
This is the ultimate trapdoor in the hall of fame; to become a prisoner of one's own persona. The desire for recognition in an increasingly atomized world lures us to be who strangers wish us to be. And with personal development so arduous and lonely, there is ease and comfort in crowdsourcing your identity. But amid such temptations, it's worth remembering that when you become who your audience expects at the expense of who you are, the affection you receive is not intended for you but for the character you're playing, a character you'll eventually tire of. So the next time you find yourself in the limelight of other people’s gazes, remember that being someone often means being fake, and if you chase the approval of others, you may, in the end, lose the approval of yourself
TikTok is a Time Bomb
The ultimate weapon of mass distraction
 
For thousands of years, humans sought to subjugate their enemies by inflicting pain, misery, and terror. They did this because these were the most paralyzing emotions they could consistently evoke; all it took was the slash of a sword or pull of a trigger.
But as our understanding of psychology has developed, so it has become easier to evoke other emotions in complete strangers. Advances in the understanding of positive reinforcement, driven mostly by people trying to get us to click on links, have now made it possible to consistently give people on the other side of the world dopamine hits at scale.
As such, pleasure is now a weapon; a way to incapacitate an enemy as surely as does pain. And the first pleasure-weapon of mass destruction may just be a little app on your phone called TikTok.
I. The Smiling Tiger
TikTok is the most successful app in history. It emerged in 2017 out of the Chinese video-sharing app Douyin and within three years it had become the most downloaded app in the world, later surpassing Google as the world’s most visited web domain.
TikTok’s conquest of human attention was facilitated by the covid lockdowns of 2020, but its success wasn’t mere luck. There’s something about the design of the app that makes it unusually irresistible.
Other platforms, like Facebook and Twitter, use recommendation algorithms as features to enhance the core product. With TikTok, the recommendation algorithm is the core product. You don’t need to form a social network or list your interests for the platform to begin tailoring content to your desires, you just start watching, skipping any videos that don’t immediately draw your interest. Tiktok uses a proprietary algorithm, known simply as the For You algorithm, that uses machine learning to build a personality profile of you by training itself on your watch habits (and possibly your facial expressions.) Since a TikTok video is generally much shorter than, say, a YouTube video, the algorithm acquires training data from you at a much faster rate, allowing it to quickly zero in on you.
The result is a system that’s unsurpassed at figuring you out. And once it’s figured you out, it can then show you what it needs to in order to addict you.
Since the For You algorithm favors only the most instantly mesmerizing content, its constructive videos—such as “how to” guides and field journalism—tend to be relegated to the fringes in favor of tasty but malignant junk info. Many of the most popular TikTokers, such as Charli D’Amelio, Bella Poarch, and Addison Rae, do little more than vapidly dance and lip-sync.
Individually, such videos are harmless, but the algorithm doesn’t intend to show you just one. When it receives the signal that it’s got your attention, it doubles down on whatever it did to get it. This allows it to feed your obsessions, showing you hypnotic content again and again, reinforcing its imprint on your brain. This content can include promotion of self-harm and eating disorders, and uncritical encouragement of sex-reassignment surgery. There’s evidence that watching such content can cause mass psychogenic illness: researchers recently identified a new phenomenon where otherwise healthy young girls who watched clips of Tourette’s sufferers developed Tourette’s-like tics.
A more common way TikTok promotes irrational behavior is with viral trends and “challenges,” where people engage in a specific act of idiocy in the hope it’ll make them TikTok-famous. Acts include licking toilets, snorting suntan lotion, eating chicken cooked in NyQuil, and stealing cars. One challenge, known as “devious licks”, encourages kids to vandalize property, while the “blackout challenge,” in which kids purposefully choke themselves with household items, has even led to several deaths, including a little girl a few days ago.
 
As troublesome as TikTok’s trends are, the app’s greatest danger lies not in any specific content but in its general addictive nature. Studies on long term TikTok addiction don’t yet exist for obvious reasons, but, based on what we know of internet addiction generally, we can extrapolate its eventual effects on habitual TikTokers.
There’s a substantial body of research showing a strong association between smartphone addiction, shrinkage of the brain’s gray matter, and “digital dementia,” an umbrella term for the onset of anxiety and depression and the deterioration of memory, attention span, self-esteem, and impulse control (the last of which increases the addiction).
These are the problems caused by internet addiction generally. But there’s something about TikTok that makes it uniquely dangerous.
In order to develop and maintain mental faculties like memory and attention span, one needs to practice using them. TikTok, more than any other app, is designed to give you what you want while requiring you to do as little as possible. It cares little who you follow or what buttons you click; its main consideration is how long you spend watching. Its reliance on machine learning rather than user input, combined with the fact that TikTok clips are so short they require minimal memory and attention span, makes browsing TikTok the most passive, uninteractive experience of all major platforms.
If it’s the passive nature of online content consumption that causes atrophy of mental faculties, then TikTok, as the most passively used platform, will naturally cause the most atrophy. Indeed many habitual TikTokers can already be found complaining on websites like Reddit about their loss of mental ability, a phenomenon that’s come to be known as “TikTok brain.” If the signs are becoming apparent already, imagine what TikTok addiction will have done to young developing brains a decade from now.
TikTok’s capacity to stupefy people, both acutely by encouraging idiotic behavior, and chronically by atrophying the brain, should prompt consideration of its potential use as a new kind of weapon, one that seeks to neutralize enemies not by inflicting pain and terror, but by inflicting pleasure.
Last month FBI Director Chris Wray warned that TikTok is controlled by a Chinese government that could “use it for influence operations.” So how likely is it that one such influence operation might include addicting young Westerners to mind-numbing content to create a generation of nincompoops?
The first indication that the Chinese Communist Party is aware of TikTok’s malign influence on kids is that it’s forbidden access of the app to Chinese kids. The American tech ethicist Tristan Harris pointed out that the Chinese version of TikTok, Douyin, is a “spinach” version where kids don’t see twerkers and toilet-lickers but science experiments and educational videos. Furthermore, Douyin is only accessible to kids for 40 minutes per day, and it cannot be accessed between 10pm and 6am.
Has the CCP enforced such rules to protect its people from what it intends to inflict on the West? When one examines the philosophical doctrines behind the rules, it becomes clear that the CCP doesn’t just believe that apps like TikTok make people stupid, but that they destroy civilizations.
II. Seven Mouths, Eight Tongues
China has been suspicious of Western liberal capitalism since the 1800s, when the country’s initial openness led to the Western powers flooding China with opium. The epidemic of addiction, combined with the ensuing Opium Wars, accelerated the fall of the Qing Dynasty and led to the Century of Humiliation in which China was subject to harsh and unequal terms by Britain and the US.
Mao is credited with eventually crushing the opium epidemic, and since then the view among many in China has been that Western liberalism leads to decadence and that authoritarianism is the cure. But one man has done more than anyone to turn this thesis into policy.
His name is Wang Huning, and, despite not being well known outside China, he has been China’s top ideological theorist for three decades, and he is now member number 4 of the seven-man Standing Committee—China’s most powerful body. He advised China’s former leaders Jiang Zemin and Hu Jintao, and now he advises Xi Jinping, authoring many of his policies. In China he is called “guoshi” (国师: literally, “teacher of the nation”).
 
Wang refuses to do press or to even speak with foreigners, but his worldview can be surmised from the books he wrote earlier in his life. In August 1988, Wang accepted an invitation to spend six months in the US, and traveled from state to state noting the way American society operates, examining its strengths and weaknesses. He recorded his findings in the 1991 book, America Against America, which has since become a key CCP text for understanding the US.
The premise of the book is simple: the US is a paradox composed of contradictions: its two primary values—freedom and equality—are mutually exclusive. It has many different cultures, and therefore no overall culture. And its market-driven society has given it economic riches but spiritual poverty. As he writes in the book, “American institutions, culture and values oppose the United States itself.”
For Wang, the US’s contradictions stem from one source: nihilism. The country has become severed from its traditions and is so individualistic it can’t make up its mind what it as a nation believes. Without an overarching culture maintaining its values, the government’s regulatory powers are weak, easily corrupted by lobbying or paralyzed by partisan bickering. As such, the nation’s progress is directed mostly by blind market forces; it obeys not a single command but a cacophony of three hundred million demands that lead it everywhere and nowhere.
In Wang’s view, the lack of a unifying culture puts a hard limit on the US’s progress. The country is constantly producing wondrous new technologies, but these technologies have no guiding purpose other than their own proliferation. The result is that all technological advancement leads the US along one unfortunate trajectory: toward more and more commodification. Wang writes:
“Human flesh, sex, knowledge, politics, power, and law can all become the target of commodification… Commodification, in many ways, corrupts society and leads to a number of serious social problems. These problems, in turn, can increase the pressure on the political and administrative system.”
Thus, by turning everything into a product, Western capitalism devours every aspect of American culture, including the traditions that bind it together as a nation, leading to atomization and polarization. The commodification also devours meaning and purpose, and to plug the expanding spiritual hole that this leaves, Americans turn to momentary pleasures—drugs, fast food, and amusements—driving the nation further into decadence and decay.
For Wang, then, the US’s unprecedented technological progress is leading it into a chasm. Every new microchip, TV, and automobile only distracts and sedates Americans further. As Wang writes in his book, “it is not the people who master the technology, but the technology that masters the people.” Though these words are 30 years old, they could easily have been talking about social media addiction.
Wang theorized that the conflict between the US’s economic system and its value system made it fundamentally unstable and destined for ever more commodification, nihilism, and decadence, until it finally collapses under the weight of its own contradictions. To prevent China’s own technological advancement leading it down the same perilous path, Wang proposed an extreme solution: neo-authoritarianism. In his 1988 essay, “The Structure of China’s Changing Political Culture,” Wang wrote that the only way a nation can avoid the US’s problems is by instilling “core values”—a national consensus of beliefs and principles rooted in the traditions of the past and directed toward a clear goal in the future. Such a consensus could eventually ward off nihilism and decadence, but cultivating it would in turn require the elimination of nihilism and decadence. This idea has been central to President Xi’s governance strategy, which has emphasized “core socialist values” like civility, patriotism, and integrity.
So how has the push for these socialist core values affected the CCP’s approach to social media?
The creator of TikTok and CEO of Bytedance, Zhang Yiming, originally intended for the content on TikTok and its Chinese version, Douyin, to be determined purely by popularity. As such, Douyin started off much like TikTok is now, with the content dominated by teenagers singing and dancing.
In April 2018, the CCP began action against Zhang. Its media watchdog, the National Radio and Television Administration, ordered the removal from Chinese app stores of Bytedance’s then-most popular app, Toutiao, and its AI news aggregator, Neihan Duanzi, citing their platforming of “improper” content. Zhang then took to social media to offer a groveling public apology, stating: "Our products took the wrong path, and content appeared that was incommensurate with socialist core values."
Shortly after, Bytedance announced it would recruit thousands more people to moderate content, and, according to CNN, in the subsequent job ads it stated a preference for CCP members with “strong political sensitivity.”
The CCP’s influence over Bytedance has only grown since then. Last year, the Party acquired a “golden share” in Bytedance’s Beijing entity, and one of its officials, Wu Shugang, took one of the company’s three board seats.
The CCP’s intrusion into Bytedance’s operations is part of a broader strategy by Xi, called the “Profound Transformation”, which seeks to clear space for the instituting of core socialist values by ridding China of “decadent” online content. In August 2021, a statement appeared across Chinese state media calling for an end to TikTok-style “tittytainment” for fear that “our young people will lose their strong and masculine vibes and we will collapse.”
In the wake of that statement, there have been crackdowns on “sissy-men” fashions, “digital drugs” like online gaming, and “toxic idol worship.” Consequently, many online influencers have been forcibly deprived of their influence, with some, such as the movie star Zhao Wei, having their entire presence erased from the Chinse web.
For Xi and the CCP, eliminating “decadent” TikTok-style content from China is a matter of survival, because such content is considered a herald of nihilism, a regression of humans back to beasts, a symptom of the West’s terminal illness that must be prevented from metastasizing to China.
And yet, while cracking down on this content domestically, China has continued to allow its export internationally as part of Xi’s “digital Silk Road” (数字丝绸之路). TikTok is known to censor content that displeases Beijing, such as mentions of Falun Gong or Tiananmen Square, but otherwise it has free rein to show Westerners what it wants; “tittytainment” and “sissy men” are everywhere on the app. So why the hypocritical disparity in rules? Is the digital Silk Road intended as poetic justice for the original Silk Road, whereby the Western powers preached Christian values while trafficking chemical TikTok—opium—into China?
Since Wang and Xi believe the West is too decadent to survive, they may have opted to take the Taoist path of wu wei (無為), which is to say, sit back and let the West’s appetites take it where they will. But there’s another, more sinister and effective approach they may have adopted. To understand it, we must consider one final piece of the puzzle: an amphetamine-fueled philosopher who lived in my hometown.
III. The Matricide Laboratory
At first glance the British philosopher Nick Land could hardly be more different from Wang Huning. Wang rose to prominence by being dour, discreet, and composed, while Land rose to prominence by ranting about cyborg apocalypses while out of his mind on weed and speed. In the late 1990s Land moved into a house once owned by the Satanist libertine Aleister Crowley (half a mile from where I grew up), and there he apparently binged on drugs and scrawled occult diagrams on the walls. At nearby Warwick University where he taught, his lectures were often bizarre (one infamous “lesson” consisted of Land lying on the floor, croaking into a mic, while frenetic jungle music pulsed in the background.)
 
Land and Wang were not just polar opposites in personality; they also operated at opposite ends of the political spectrum. While Wang would go on to be the top ideological theorist of the Chinese Communist Party, Land would become the top theorist (with Curtis Yarvin) of the influential network of far-right bloggers, NRx.
And yet, despite their opposite natures, Land and Wang would develop almost identical visions of liberal capitalism as an all-commodifying, all devouring force, driven by the insatiable hunger of blind market forces, and destined to finally eat Western civilization itself.
Land viewed Western liberal capitalism as a kind of AI that’s reached the singularity; in other words, an AI that’s grown beyond the control of humans and is now unstoppably accelerating toward inhuman ends. As Land feverishly wrote in his 1995 essay, “Meltdown:”
“The story goes like this: Earth is captured by a technocapital singularity as renaissance rationalitization and oceanic navigation lock into commoditization take-off. Logistically accelerating techno-economic interactivity crumbles social order in auto-sophisticating machine runaway.”
Land’s drug-fueled prose is overwrought, so to simplify his point, Western capitalism can be compared to a “paperclip maximizer,” a hypothetical AI programmed by a paperclip business to produce as many paperclips as possible, which leads it to begin recycling everything on earth into paperclips (commodities). When the programmers panic and try to switch it off, the AI turns them into paperclips, since being switched off would stop it fulfilling its goal of creating as many paperclips as possible. Thus, the blind application of short term goals leads to long term ruin.
Land believed that, since the runaway AI we call liberal capitalism commodifies everything, including even criticisms of it (which are necessarily published for profit), it cannot be opposed. Every attack on it becomes part of it. Thus, if one wishes to change it, the only way is to accelerate it along its trajectory. As Land stated in a later, more sober writing style:
“The point of an analysis of capitalism, or of nihilism, is to do more of it. The process is not to be critiqued. The process is the critique, feeding back into itself, as it escalates. The only way forward is through, which means further in.”
—A Quick-and-Dirty Introduction to Accelerationism (2017)
This view, that the current system must be accelerated to be transformed, has since become known as “accelerationism.” For Land, acceleration is not just a destructive force but also a creative one; he came to believe that all democracies accelerate toward ruin but a visionary despot unfettered by the concerns of the masses could accelerate a country to prosperity.
Land’s own life followed the same course he envisioned for the liberal West; following years of high productivity, he fell into nihilism and the decadence of rampant drug use, which drove him to a nervous breakdown. Upon recovering in 2002, he embraced authoritarianism, moved to Shanghai, and began writing for Chinese state media outlets like China Daily and the Shanghai Star.
A few years after Land moved to China, talk of accelerationism began to emerge on the Chinese web, where it’s become known by its Chinese name, jiasuzhuyi (加速主义). The term has caught on among Chinese democracy advocates, many of whom view the CCP as the runaway AI, hurtling toward greater tyranny; they even refer to Xi as “Accelerator-in-Chief” (总加速师).
Domestically, Chinese democracy activists try to accelerate the CCP’s authoritarianism ad absurdum; one tactic is to swamp official tip-off lines with reports of minor or made-up infractions, with the intent of breaking the Party by forcing it to enforce all of its own petty rules.
As for the CCP itself, it’s known to have viewed former US president Donald Trump as the “Accelerator-in-Chief,” or, more accurately, “Chuan Jianguo” (川建国: literally “Build China Trump”) because he was perceived as helping China by accelerating the West’s decline. For this reason, support of him was encouraged. The CCP is also known to have engaged in jiasuzhuyi more directly; for instance, during the 2020 US race riots, China used Western social media platforms to douse accelerant over US racial tensions.
But the use of TikTok as an accelerant is a whole new scale of accelerationism, one much closer to Land’s original, apocalyptic vision. Liberal capitalism is about making people work in order to obtain pleasurable things, and for decades it’s been moving toward shortening the delay between desire and gratification, because that’s what consumers want.
Over the past century the market has taken us toward ever shorter-form entertainment, from cinema in the early 1900s, to TV mid-century, to minutes-long YouTube videos, to seconds-long TikTok clips. With TikTok the delay between desire and gratification is almost instant; there’s no longer any patience or effort needed to obtain the reward, so our mental faculties fall into disuse and disrepair.
And this is why TikTok could prove such a devastating geopolitical weapon. Slowly but steadily it could turn the West’s youth—its future—into perpetually distracted dopamine junkies ill-equipped to maintain the civilization built by their ancestors.
We seem to be halfway there already: not only has there been gray matter shrinkage in smartphone-addicted individuals, but, since 1970 the Western average IQ has been steadily falling. Though the decline likely has several causes, it began with the first generation to grow up with widespread TVs in homes, and common sense suggests it’s at least partly the result of technology making the attainment of satisfaction increasingly effortless, so that we spend ever more of our time in a passive, vegetative state. If you don’t use it, you lose it.
And even those still willing to use their brains are at risk of having their efforts foiled by social media, which seems to be affecting not just kids’ abilities but also their aspirations; in a survey asking American and Chinese children what job they most wanted, the top answer among Chinese kids was “astronaut,” and the top answer among American kids was “influencer.”
If we continue along our present course, the resulting loss of brainpower in key fields could, years from now, begin to harm the West economically. But, more importantly, if it did it would help discredit the very notion of Western liberalism itself, since there is no greater counterargument to a system than to see it destroy itself. And so the CCP would benefit doubly from this outcome: ruin the West and refute it; two birds with one stone (or as they say in China, 箭双雕: one arrow, two eagles.)
So, the CCP has both the means and the motive to help the West defeat itself, and part of this could conceivably involve the use of TikTok to accelerate liberal capitalism by closing the gap between desire and gratification.
Now, it could be argued that we have no hard evidence of the CCP’s intentions, only a set of indications. However, ultimately the CCP’s intentions are irrelevant. Accelerationism can’t alter an outcome, only hasten it. And TikTok, whether or not it’s actively intended as a weapon, is only moving the West further along the course it’s long been headed: toward more effortless pleasure, and resulting cognitive decline.
The problem, therefore, is not China, but us. America Against America. If TikTok is not a murder weapon, then it’s a suicide weapon. China has given the West the means to kill itself, but the death wish is wholly the West’s. After all, TikTok dominated our culture as a result of free market forces—the very thing we live by. Land and Wang are correct that the West being controlled by everyone means it’s controlled by no one, and without brakes or a steering wheel we’re at the market’s mercy.
Of course, democracies do have some regulatory power. Indian lawmakers banned TikTok in 2020, and US lawmakers are now considering the same. However, while this may stop the theft of our data, it won’t stop the theft of our attention; if TikTok is banned then another short-form video site will just take its place. Effortless dopamine hits are what consumers want, and capitalism always tries to give consumers what they want. Anticipating the demand, YouTube has added its own TikTok-style “YouTube Shorts” format, and Twitter recently implemented its own version of TikTok’s For You algorithm. The market is a greater accelerator than China could ever hope to be.
So what’s the solution?
Land and Wang may be right about the illness, but they’re wrong about the cure. It’s true that we in the West have little left of the traditions that once tied us together, and in their absence all that unites us are our animal hungers. But Wang’s belief that meaning and purpose can be miraculously imposed on us all by a strongman leader is just a fantasy that has littered history with failed experiments.
Sure, democracies are vulnerable because there’s no one controlling their advancement, but autocracies are vulnerable precisely for the opposite reason: they’re controlled by people, which is to say, by woefully myopic apes. China is currently suffering from the myopia of Xi’s zero-covid policy, which has ravaged the country’s economy, and from the disastrous one-child policy that’s led to China’s current population crisis. For all our problems, we’d be unwise to exchange the soft tyranny of dopamine for the hard tyranny of despots.
That leaves only one solution: the democratic one. In a democracy responsibility is also democratized, so parents must look out for their own kids. There’s a market for this, too: various brands of parental controls can be set on devices to limit kids’ access (though many of these, including TikTok’s own controls, can be easily bypassed.)
But ultimately these are short term measures. In the long term the only way to prevent digital dementia is to raise awareness of the neurological ruin wrought by apps like TikTok, exposing their ugliness so they fall out of fashion like cigarettes. If the weakness of liberalism is its openness, then this is also its strength; word can travel far in democracies.
We’ll surely sound like alarmists; TikTok destroys so gradually that it seems harmless. But if the app is a time-bomb that’ll wreck a whole generation years from now, then we can’t wait till its effects are apparent before acting, for then it will be too late.
The clock is ticking.
Tik. Tok…
 
I just shit and cum.
FAQ
What does this mean?
The amount of shit (and cum) on my computer and floor has increased by one.
Why did you do this?
There are several reasons I may deem a comment to be worthy of feces or ejaculation. These include, but are not limited to:
Being gay
Dank copypasta bro, where'd you find it
walter
Am I going to shit and cum too?
No - not yet. But you should refrain from shitposting and cumposting like this in the future. Otherwise I will be forced to shit and cum again, which may put your shitting and cumming privileges in jeopardy.
I don't believe my comment deserved being shit and cum at. Can you un-cum it?
Sure, mistakes happen. But only in exceedingly rare circumstances will I put shit back into my butt. If you would like to issue an appeal, shoot me a hot load explaining what I got wrong. I tend to respond to retaliatory ejaculation within several minutes. Do note, however, that over 99.9% of semen dies before it can fertilize the egg, and yours is likely no exception.
How can I prevent this from happening in the future?
Accept the goopy brown and white substance and move on. But learn from this mistake: your behavior will not be tolerated in my mom's basement. I will continue to shit and cum until you improve your conduct. Remember: ejaculation is privilege, not a right.
 
I just came in your asshole.
I just came in your asshole.
FAQ
What does this mean?
A large load of baby gravy has been transferred from my testicles into your rectum.
Why did I do this?
There are several reasons why I came in your ass. These include, but are not limited to:
Your comment turned me on
You are cute
Your dad was too busy
How did I do this?
I rammed your rectum with my handsome hog until I turned you into a frosting factory.
Why am I telling you about this?
Your ass will be leaking cum for at least 36 hours and may be a slipping hazard. Also you might be gay.
How can you avoid this in the future?
Unless you stop looking so breedable in the near future, you can’t. I will always find a way to fill your tight little boyhole 👀.
 
My wife (37f) just queefed on my face (15m) and now I want a divorce. Am I the asshole?
So pretty much I was eating her out and then her coochie lips burped RIGHT ON MY FACE and it smelled like an old gingerbread cookie 💀 so then I stopped and went to the bathroom so I can throw up in the shower but she walked in on me and the smell was still lingering in the air so I started puking even harder and now she's pissed because I can't accept her pussy farts for how they smell. Now I want a divorce and I think she does too. Am I the asshole?

62 - Secret Podcast of Disquiet (feat. Mr. Beast AKA Fernando Pessoa)

www.goodluckgabe.life
During those hours when the landscape forms a halo around Life, and dream is simply a matter of dreaming oneself, I created, O my love, in the silence of my disquiet, this strange podcast like a series of arches opening up at the end of some abandoned venue.
In order to record this, I plucked the souls from all the flowers, and out of the ephemeral moments of all the songs of all of the birds I wove eternity and stagnation. Sitting at the window of my life and forgetting that I was alive, that I existed, I began to weave shrouds in which to shroud my tedium, chaste linen cloths for the altars of my silence.
And I am offering you this podcast because I know it to be both beautiful and useless. It teaches nothing, preaches nothing, arouses no emotion. It is a stream that runs into an abyss of ashes that the wind scatters and which neither fertilize nor harm – I put my whole soul into its making, but I wasn’t thinking of that at the time, only of my own sad self and of you, who are no one.
And because this podcast is absurd, I love it; because it is useless I want to give it to you, and because there is no point in wanting to give it to you, I give it anyway…
Pray for me when you listen to it, bless me by loving it and forget it as I forget those planes and buildings and women, mere dreams I never knew how to dream. 
 
Silent towers of my desires, may this podcast be the transforming moonlight in the night of the Ancient Mystery!
River of Painful Imperfection, may this podcast be the boat set adrift on your waters and washed down to an undream-of sea.
Landscape of Alienation and Abandonment, may this podcast be as much yours as your Hour, and transcend you as it does the fateful Purple Hour.
 
Please don’t think I podcast in order to publish, or simply for the sake of podcasting or making art. I podcast as an end in itself, the ultimate refinement, the temperamentally illogical refinement, of my cultivation of states-of-soul.
 
Conflicted, you was.
Remember, I do.
Gay, I am.
Your host, Geraldo Rivera, I am.
Tuned into episode 62 of Geraldo's Edge Game, you are.
 
I jacked off to holocaust footage.
I was young, maybe 8 so still shooting blanks but loved playing around to get that good feeling in my cock. One evening I could see my neighbors watching some spicy film out of my room window. The film was black and white and there were many naked people walking around and then they were in a big pile. Because of this, I thought it was older porn. So I cranked out a nice blank on the rooftop of my house. Those film images were recycled frequently during my younger jack sessions. Naked people in a big pile, shit was hot. Years later in my high school history class we watched a documentary. Thirty minutes in, I began recognizing some footage from my spank bank. Unfortunately the documentary covered the holocaust and the “hot” naked people were being lined up, stripped naked and killed, then dumped into a mass grave pile. And I’ve been getting off to this for years. I learned a lesson that day…don’t jack it to black and white films kids.

61 - Podcast About List (feat. Kanye ”N” West)

I Thought About Unaliving You ASMR Ukulele Cover (Anthony Jeselnik Cum Tribute)
 
I harbor awful thoughts about everyone in my life I ever loved or cared about. That I thought I loved or cared about. 
I think about murdering my friends and family. I think about shooting them with a gun. I think about blowing up their houses with fertilizer bombs. I think about taking a knife and stabbing them through their eyes. I think about sending pipe bombs in the mail and blowing their hands off. I think about beating them with my bare hands until their faces are unrecognizable. I think about curb stomping them. I think about locking them in cages and setting them on fire and taking a video of it and attaching it to my application to be ISIS production assistant. I think about chopping them up into little pieces and then blending them in a nutribullet and pouring them into an ice cube tray and freezing them overnight to add to my iced coffee in the morning for breakfast. I think about not wishing them a happy birthday. I think about wishing them a sad birthday. I think about posting their phone numbers in weird places and hope someone harasses them. I think about signing them up for a bunch of email newsletters they would not be interested in. I think about stealing their catalytic converters. I think about giving teasing them with oral sex but not finishing them off. I think about reporting all of their Instagram posts for hate speech. I think about commenting on their pictures without liking them. I think about tying their shoelaces together when they're not looking and making them trip and look foolish. I think about dropping a grand piano on their heads after hoisting it up with a sort of pulley system. I think about smashing their heads with a giant mallet and their brain splooshes into my open mouth ahhh yummmyyy mmmmmm. I think about running them over with my car but my car is a audi r8 and also I look like Justin Bieber. I think about getting my friend Justin Bieber to cyberbully them and call them the n word on video and selling it to tmz. I think about twisting their nipples off and throwing them in the air fryer and eat em like kettle cook chip. I think about asking them for a sip of their drink and then backwashing multiple times. I think about jerking off in their bathrooms without their permission or knowledge. I think about saying mean things about them on a podcast. I think about sharing embarrassing photos of them from the Christmas party. I think about throwing a big party but not inviting any of them and paying complete strangers to come instead. I think about begging them for gas money and spending it on blunt wraps and Dorito. I think about sending them dick pics and saying oops wrong person lol. I think about sending pussy pics and emphasizing that it was intentional. I think about texting them saying they are the reason I'm going to kill myself. I think about killing myself in their front yards. I think about filling their houses with a bunch of stink bugs. I think about hiding a piece of cheese between their mattress and box spring. I think about using their sink and leaving the counter soaking wet. I think about not refilling their Brita pitchers. I think about pissing in their Brita pitcher. I think about replacing their Brita filters with a big stinky dookie. I think about stealing their Brita filters. I think about convincing them Brita filters cause cancer. I think about convincing them aspartame is really good for you and they should definitely eat more of it because it's only a class 2b carcinogen like aloe or pickles which they also eat all the time. I think about vaccinating them. I think about forcing them to invest heavily into crypto. I think about getting them addicted to scratch off tickets. I think about selling them religion to cope with their problems. I think about convincing them the earth is round. I think about telling them jews run Hollywood and therefore control the culture. I think about telling them I'm gay and trans and polyamorous. I think about telling each of them that they are the single most important person in my life and that I don't have anyone else and that they need to be there for me or else I will do something actually insane next time. I think about telling them things will totally get better eventually if they just work really hard and apply themselves and never give up. I think about telling them I love them. I think about giving them genuine advice. I think about building and maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships with them. I think about feeding chocolate to their dogs. I think about reminding their teachers to collect their homework. I think about replacing their memory foam mattress with a water bed filled with piss. I think about microdosing all their food and beverages with hydrochloric acid. I think about downvoting all their posts on Reddit. I think about screenshotting all of our conversations and tweeting them. I think about photoshopping their pictures to make them only slightly but noticably uglier and convincing people that their versions are heavily edited. I think about only putting one ice cube in their drink when they asked for a couple. I think about using their real full names and pictures to register and post on adult diaper lover and feeder vore forums. I think about becoming a cop and breaking into their houses and shooting them and getting paid leave. I think about doing a tight 5 minute set for their eulogies. I think about building them a shitty submarine and charging them 1 million dollars to die in it. I think about sending them to Cambodia in a box. I think about having them sent to the shadow realm with no possibility of parole. I think about delivering myself to them inside a giant birthday cake and I jump out and they go ew yucky gross what the heck dude. I think about showing them funny videos on efukt.  I think about deepfaking them into a bunch of Mexican cartel execution videos like the chainsaws and hammer ones, super gory. I think about haunting them as a ghost, pulling on their feet while they sleep. I think about farting in their open mouths while they're eating a delicious salad like that scene in click with Adam Sandler and David Hasselhoff. I think about having my Facebook page memorialized and then sending my aunts and uncles messages from the afterlife telling them I'll always be watching them so they better like and comment on all of my pictures about how much they miss me or else I will give them skin cancer and chronic diarrhea. I think about stealing their ipods and selling them on Etsy. I think about sticking my head in their ovens and serving it on a Sylvia Platter teehee. I think about forcing them to date a girl who rereads the bell jar at least once a year. I think about replacing all their starburst with yellows only. I think about taking their teeth and only leaving them 1 dollar under their pillows. I think about buying them Gran Turismo 3 for Christmas instead of GTA 3 and making them pretend it's the game they wanted so that they don't hurt my feelings. I think about printing out a bunch of arbitrary rules and reminders and laminating them and posting them around their houses so they'll be mildly annoyed with my passive aggression. I think about using all their ice cubes and not refilling the tray. I think about smothering them with a Ghislaine Maxwell body pillow. I think about shooting their kneecaps with a hello kitty Glock 19. I think about putting poison in their underwear and having alexei navalny make a documentary about it. I think about buying them grimace shake. I think about making up stories about how they pooped their pants multiple times at that one really important event. I think about making them chase my laser pointer and I give them treats when they catch it. I think about making them write lists of awful things to think about doing to them. I think about telling them to think outside of the box. I think about telling them to apply themselves for once in their lives. I think about putting them in nursing homes. I think about making them quit their jobs in full joker makeup. I think about making them start a podcast and then quit after 61 episodes. I think about tipping them 5 tokens and asking them to do belly button play. I think about creasing all of their Pokemon cards they lent me. I think about going to their house and eating all their Oreos. I think about begging them to let me practice professional wrestling moves on them in the basement. I think about trying to watch the scrambled naughty channels on their TV's at 3 in the morning while they are sleeping. I think about having a night terror while sleeping over their house and waking up with a nose bleed and wiping it on the wall and then going back to sleep and completely forgetting to clean up the blood in the morning. I think about asking them if I can come over to play but instead I just use their good homeschool internet to play neopets and newgrounds games and watch homestarrunner and download weird al mp3 on kazaa. I think about getting constipated at their houses and making their mom rub my tummy so I can take a big stinky dump in their toilets. I think about going to their house when nobody is home and jumping on their trampoline until the weird older kid who always wears his hooters shirt comes over and keeps pressuring me into doing gainers so I go home. I think about having them run around my house and the hubba bubba they were chewing accidentally falls out of their mouths onto the carpet and my stepdad yells at them until they sprint home crying hysterically. I think about leaving my pubes on their toilet seats. I think about switching out their conditioner with 3 in 1 shampoo. I think about convincing them I'm not a spiteful person they're just gaslighting me because they're insecure and have no friends that care about them. I think about making them play Slenderman at 2 am and recording their reaction and showing their friends so they think they're pussy. I think about making them watch Naruto dubbed on a dial-up connection and not letting them pause to let it buffer. I think about wake and baking out of a gatorade bottle at 4 in the morning in their basements. I think about getting couch locked in their crappy foldable papasan chairs while sipping a large slushie mindlessly watching Freddy vs Jason. I think about struggling to get the little Caesars pizza box open so I can throw up inside of it instead of throwing up on their basement carpet. I think about not getting the box open in time and throwing up on top of the box so it slides off the box onto their basement carpet and apologizing profusely in between retches before passing out and in the morning they're just like it's cool man don't worry I'll take care of it and I'm like so thankful cuz I'm still high and need to ride my bike home asap before my mom gets home but then they never actually clean the vomit they just condemn the basement and smash tvs and break shit in it instead and im like wtf isn't this townhouse a rental, and they're like fuck it haha and then they sell me weed and acid for the next 4 years of my life until I realize that shit is fucking gay. I think about selling them la croix laced with fentanyl. I think about telling them they're really cool and smart and funny and nice and a pleasure to be around. I think about thanking them for having me. I think about telling them good luck and goodnight.
 
My boyfriend won't stop saying "ambatukam" during sex and I don't have the heart to tell him I hate it
Throwaway since my BF knows my Reddit account. One evening, me (F22) and my boyfriend (M21) were watching memes on YouTube from his phone, something we frequently do together. He REALLY likes memes and quotes them often throughout the day, no matter whether he is happy or being goofy and even when he is raging at a game or genuinely heartbroken. One day about a year ago, he came home to tell me he got fired and said "my life be like oooh aaah". It's probably a coping mechanism for him, but personally I do not understand it.
Anyways, we saw one meme, a guy a clearly masturbating saying things "I'm about to cum" but it was spelt out as "ambatukam", and thought it was the funniest thing ever so we looked for more. There were more videos of him being edited into scenarios like him mourning the loss of his brother named "Bato Khan", and we spent no less than 20 minutes laughing nonstop at these videos. Afterwards when we went to make dinner, my BF said joking "that's what I'm gonna say in bed now".
Fast forward a day later, both of us are horny and head to the bedroom to fuck. It was great, but then towards the end, my BF said loudly "ambatukaaaam" and then proceeded to cum. I laughed along with him but I was a little uncomfortable because it sorta killed the vibe.
About a week later, we're having sex again, and he says them same exact thing as last time, but this time, he laughs "just kidding, I'll stop" afterwards. Well, it turns out he wasn't really telling the truth because the next time we had sex, he said "bouttobus". I then whining-ly said his name in desperation and he then chuckled.
We didn't have sex for about a month until last night. We were doing fine as usual, and he even managed to cum without saying any memes... or so I thought, because right afterwards, he said something along the lines of "thank you for letting me buss, it's what I needed". I can't even remember much of what happened during or after that because I was in pure shock that we would just kill the vibe like that again. All I remember is that we cleaned up and he went to play COD or something that involved him shouting stupid jokes and memes to his friends.
I do not have the heart to tell him that he isn't funny when he does this, because the last time I confronted him when he kept saying "yooo that's sus" every time I mentioned something vaguely sexual, he almost cried. He stopped saying that one phrase but still has about a thousand other memes in his vocabulary. I guess this is just my life now, and as much as I want it to stop, I love my boyfriend so much and will have to live with it.

60 - Joe Rogan Experience (feat. Zach Galifianakis)

I have a theory.
A blue whale can grow up to 30 meters long and is quite gigantic, while Titan might seem attractive to the whales, and it may have wanted to mate. A blue whale's penis can become gigantic, and with it, he has fucked up the glass. Either water leaked in, and they drowned, or the whale's penis got stuck and sealed the hole. Due to the pressure and pressure difference, the penis gets sucked in, sealing the hole. However, at the same time, the pressure difference sucks out all the whale sperm (up to 1500 liters of sperm), and they drown in the sperm. I'm not sure how the pressure works with whale penises, it was just a thought. But let's say the sperm doesn't ejaculate, and the whale's penis seals the hole and gets stuck due to the pressure. The whale panics and swims away, making it impossible to find the boat. Then they run out of oxygen.
THEORY 2:
There we were, 2 miles below the surface of the ocean. I can't believe I let my stupid dad bring me onto this damned tin can. Henri had killed him about an hour ago. God, it was horrific.
Flashback
(To avoid any incest, Henri murders Suleman's father.)
We were running out of air. Paul-Henri Nargeolet was getting stressed out. "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DAMN WELL GET ME OUT OF HERE!" he yelled. This was directed at Stockton Rush. Stockton, what a dumb name. That's like how JK Rowling would name a billionaire. Like I should care. I'm about to die anyways."YOU SIGNED THE GODDAMNED WAIVER, HENRI! YOU CAN'T BLAME ME!" Stockton shot back. That stupid waiver! Ugh, we should have never signed it. God, it had death written 3 times on the first page. We should have expected this. Hamish began crying. He hated conflict.My dad jumped in, "You two need to calm dow-""CALM DOWN?!? YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN, SHAZAHDA? I'LL SHOW YOU CALM." Then, he took my dad down, Henri's hands around his neck."KRI-ch-EEk" Dad was dead."YOU MURDERER!" I yelled. Rigor mortis had already set in.
Present
Henri and Stockton were still arguing, and Hamish was still crying. They were wasting oxygen. Suddenly, Henri and Stockton began, kissing? God, I had a hard-on. Why was this hot. Stockton got down on his knees, and pulled down Henris pants! Henri had gone commando? Stockton started licking him. Henri's erect cock was large and hairy. I wanted some of this action. To be honest, I had a little crush on Hamish. I walked over to him, and helped him up. He asked he something I never could have imagined in my wettest dreams, "w-will you be my d-d-daddy?"Daddy? my daddy was dead. But, I was horny and he would do. "I would love to be your daddy, kitten." I dropped my drawers and my kitten gasped at my massive cock."S-Senpai, I need your cock inside m-me.""Do we have any lube?" I asked.Stockton was busy choking on Henri's cock, so I didn't get an answer. "S-senpai w-we don't n-need lu-lube." my kitten stuttered, "I want to r-r-ride you."I began blushing and laid down. "Get undressed, kitten.""I di-didn't bring m-my collar, S-Senpai." Hamish said as he disrobed. I gasped as his tight ass enclosed around my cock."O-OOOh SENPAI" he cried. I'm glad my dad wasn't alive to hear that. My kitten's ass clapped as he bounced up and down on my throbbing penis."FUhck me hard senpai" he moaned. I moaned to.*Clap clap clap clap clap clap.* his ass applauded my skills.Henri took notice of our pleasure. "I want in on that.""Join in" I moaned.Stockton followed him.Stockton got on his hands and knees and began sucking on my balls. The pleasure was intense. Henri was railing him from behing.This had become a full blown orgy.Stockton was moaning and gasping. Henri was stoic and slapped his ass from time to time. Hamish, my kitten, was still tight. I was close to cumming, but I wasn't going to be the first.I'm glad Stockton cummed. His shriveled phallus released the contents of his balls all over the floor of the submersible."Let's switch positions," Henri proposed. I wasn't about to argue. This time me and henri were taking turns sucking off Hamish while Stockton stroked our cocks. Hamish cummed very fast. Lucky for me, Hamish cummed in Henri's mouth. I hated the taste of jizz.
Another Flashback
(this time Suleman is remembering his highschool years, from back when he was a sissy bottom femboy)
My pink miniskirt rode up my thigh as I walked into the boys locker room. The football team loved me, although I prefer volleyball. (writers note: according to the Philidelphia Inquirer, Suleman likes volleyball. you can google it or this is the article ) I had my makeup done nicely, and my hatsune miku wig was securely in place. Our team had just lost 20-3. When the team lost, they liked to take their anger out on my ass. Things were about to get messy."Hello, boys. I'm here for you." I said seductively. They began hooting. I stripped off my clothes. They dog-piled on me. Some going for my asshole, some going for my mouth, and some just masterbating while watching.One thing about football players is that they cum incredibly fast. Within the minute my holes were filled with cum and jizz and any other synonym for semen that you can think of, and i was covered. My sex-addicted ass could not get enough of the attention.
Back to the present again
It was down to me and Henri. Who was to cum first?"Senpai, It's been 30 minutes uwu- your so strong!""Yes, my kitten, now daddy needs to be stronger than Henri. Make him cum for me, kitten." I told Hamish.He dutifully began sucking off Henri. I was pretty tired of being erect, but to be the last one standing would mean ultimate victory. I was going to cum all over the stupid fuck that drug us down here.Henri cummed so hard in my kitten's mouth that jizz came out of his nose.By now, Stockton was sleeping, but I was ready to cum, and his ass was going to be mine.He had dressed himself again, so I tore off his clothes. I stroked my cock slightly and shoved it in his ass."OOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOwWWW" he screamed. I raped his ass for dragging us down here.My throbbing member thrusted in and out of his ass. I was close. Just as I was about to orgasm, I jizzed all over him."engUGH" I moanedI wasn't satisfied. I pissed all over that sissy cocksucker. Then, I pissed in his mouth. Now I was satisfyed.
The Next Day
Yesterday's orgy hung over the room. We were having a hard time breathing, as oxygen was running low.I was very proud of myself, as I was the last to cum. Stockton was humiliated by me raping his ass. He should have built this damn tin can with more than what he could find in the dollar store.Slowly, I felt myself pass out. The colors filled my eyes. I soon stopped breathing.

59 - Tubgirl Time Machine (feat. Ashley ”Boxxy” Jones)

(TL;DL Content Creator Too Insecure to Create Content) (SNL for Libertarians) (POV Homschoole Autist Roleplay ASMR) 
 
icum.to
videos.icum.to
tubgirl.com
 
Hello I'm gay....
In honor of pride and Filipino heritage month I have reluctantly invited my very first transexual transracial guest. Here to discuss all things gay is controversial loli content creator, renowned plAYtonic philosophy vlogger, thiel-funded horse whisperer, 4chan refugee, recipient of more than 1 million cum tributes, mtv movie award funniest girl, poet laureate of the state of Alabama, little saint James survivor and denier, adrenochrome advocate, huge fucking faggot, CEO of phone bad eyeroll emoji Facebook group, Entrepreneur at Grind Never Sleeps inc. and Dean of the school of hard cocks and/or Knocks:
Boxxy
I mean Soph
I mean Rose
I mean Ashley Jones
 
Just kidding. It's just me again. You're probably wondering how I got here. Ashley I'm happy to plug you as we previously discussed tho, to show my appreciation not only for making me aware of peertube and inspiring me to host my content, but for also reminding me what real mental illness looks and sounds like. tubgirl, icum.to if you'd like to experience a more extreme version of what i do but with zero self-awareness. 
 
After a brief email exchange, Ashley called me at 2 in the morning to discuss being on each other's shows/collaborating on video content. I found that our content has a lot of similarities thematically and stylistically, greenscreens and questionably ironic homophobia and whatnot, so it seemed like a good fit for a guest that can actually hold her own instead of just being a live studio audience like my previous guests. It turns out during our long 2 hour conversation I didn't give her enough affirmation and audibly laugh/guffaw at her quirky silly mildly shocking but dated quips that most of her simps go crazy for, because she is used to being the center of her own world like any good solo edgy content creator should be. She was disappointed when she found out she gets a lot less laughs from people who don't waste inordinate amounts of time consuming her shitposts and jerking off to her, and she projected her own insecurities on me. Essentially pulling the "oh what's wrong, too edgy? Am I too weird for you? Uncomfortable hmph? Too much for you woke sheep??" thing that open mic comics do when nobody laughs at their trite jokes. I let her ""jokes"" hang in the air to really let them sink in, cuz unfortunately when you're alone in your room quietly recording and editing and uploading for an audience of lonely deranged men online, believe it or not, you're never pushed to understand or acknowledge the concept of comedic timing. I'm sure most find her incredibly forced effort to be charming and endearing but Ashley doesn't realize the context is the only real punchline. The idea that she writes, records, edits, uploads, and pays to host her own content, and at no point does it seem she seriously questions the comedic or entertainment or educational value of what she does. Now I certainly follow all of those same steps, but with full acknowledgement and acceptance that what I produce is inherently bad content and should not be consumed by anyone. Unfortunately it seems Ashley is confident enough to think people should watch and support her hobby, yet she's still extremely insecure and ultimately just begging for affirmation that most people get from uh, iunno thirst traps on Instagram and TikTok and twitter and tinder. Ashley's platform is extremely anti mainstream social media, and so she doesn't realize her jokes are about 5 years behind and have been rehashed with 12 layers of irony by funnier black trans teens on twitter and instagram. She certainly seems to catch wind of the joke eventually, but only after it's been diluted and distilled through her own detached and hyper-fringe fanbase. She's essentially  created her own insular algorithmic bubble by letting her own fans feed her more content via her own self-hosted forum, website, and tubesite. Again, very impressive effort that gives the illusion of high quality, but certainly with time will hopefully grow into something with some semblance of self-awareness.
 
Anyway so she felt that we didn't click because I wasn't literally rolling on the floor laughing, and so she cancelled. Admittedly I spend a lot of time on mainstream socials, and so I suffer from a degree of irony poisoning that makes Ashley's content seem like the kind of social critique one would expect from a 47 year old Gavin McInnes enthusiast. SNL for libertarians. One example of her quips that she seemed to really lean into was something about how black people never have batteries in their smoke detectors, so it must be annoying to have to hear the beeping every 30 seconds. but it seemed like this is the kind of face-value racist observational humor she has come to expect to get big laughs, probably from an audience who just straight up hates black people and haven't already heard 80 versions of the same joke 2 years ago lmao. It's "woooo I agree with that!! She said my views HAHA" type comedy. Certainly racism can be extremely funny, but when presented in an allegedly comedic context, just saying the racist thing without adding any spin or original thought is just lazy and low brow. Unless you wanna cop out and claim it was performance art all along to prove a point a la Sam Hyde stand up circa 2015. In which case, damn I got Punk'd!!
 
 I attempted to reassure her that she certainly is very clever and witty in a smirk emoji, nose laugh sort of way, and that i could cue up a soundboard laughtrack and do my best Jimmy Fallon desk slap if it would make her feel more comfortable and confident. While she is well into her 20s she certainly maintains the mindset and attitude of average jailbait. All I received in response to my very thoughtful and thorough message is an accusation that my depression prevents me from enjoying her jokes, and attached picture of goatse. I admit I was extremely disappointed to learn about her fragile ego in this manner.
 
Now I could certainly get really butthurt about being insulted and shamed by a stranger on the internet. But this is precisely the kind of situation I put my own fans in all the time! And likewise encourage them to avoid at all costs by not interacting with internet entities in any meaningful way. One could easily point out the hypocrisy. I am no different from Ashley. She is a reflection of a lot of the most negative qualities I find in myself and tend to ignore. And only because I find myself pointing out these obvious flaws in someone else, I'm reminded that I have been cringe all along. Because I have had 5 years more years than her to become better than her as a person, and I am not. I responded to her email, I spoke to her, and I treated her like a real person the whole time. Classic mistake. None of it is real, and as soon as someone starts to take it seriously, they lose. 
As evidenced by the fact this exists and you are consuming it, it is clear that I absolutely took the jailbait and lost. I won't even hide behind a disclaimer this time. 
 
Anyway here is what I prepared for our episode. Hopefully she won't waste any more time consuming my content, but if she does, a mature and serious response is certainly welcome. There is nothing more inane than content creators public beef.
 
How did this interaction come to be?
You peruse xvideos/porntube sites to "criticize other women" to make yourself feel better. I assume this was a facetious statement
you find my videos/website and proceed to send an email plugging your own content and website
We exchange emails, I set up my own peertube site, and discuss possibility of doing this show/collaborating in general because of a similarity in style
Our first verbal conversation is a 1 am phone call you initiated, the first topic being geraldo's depression that you detected, as an empath, after watching 2 and a half episodes of Edge Game. Off the bat, you, an internet stranger, proceed to make a seemingly earnest suggestion to me, an internet stranger, that one could find hobbies and stop using the internet in order to alleviate depression. In this particular situation, I was inclined to wholeheartedly agree as this interaction was a direct result of using the internet, made possible by the internet, and was causing me some degree of emotional distress and mental anguish. Some would sum it up as brain damage. This applies to the conversation we are currently having as well.
This reinforces my stance on having a perpetual detachment from anything and anyone you interact with on the internet, especially people who tell you to stop using the internet, or tell you how to use the Internet. While  usage can certainly provide many short and long-term benefits, unless you constantly moderate and limit your usage, it has a net negative effect on your health and productivity. DID YOU KNOW Phone bad computer bad ha ha so CRAZY.
But nonetheless I truly CARE and APPRECIATE that people still get SO invested in their favorite personalities lol :) especially in these trying times we still need people to pretend to be our friends :)
 
Anyway how would you describe the kind of content you produce, in all mediums.
Any major influences to credit or do you claim to be independently minded like any good pseudointellectual
Where did you start, and where does it end
Peertube and general future proofing tips
 
As I previously said, I am open to having you on whenever you feel more secure about whatever it is you feel may be too weird for me. I have no problem whatsoever with anything you said, and I still think you would be great on the show. Shitposting never has to be high-quality. I hope that makes sense to you. Anyway this cum is for you Ashley Jones. I'm sorry your autism gets in the way of your life, and I'm even more sorry for assuming your autism was a bit. I hope the retrospective cringe hits you like a truck. Cheers. like comment subscribe to Ashley Jones @ icum.to

58 - PP On My Big Mac

Hey boo, gotta spill the tea and let you know, you're my ultimate vibe. You make my heart go cray-cray and my soul say yasss! You slay my world with your style, your smile, and your mad skills. No cap, you're the rizz of my dreams, the one who makes my heart do a TikTok dance. So, lemme keep it 100: I'm totally crushing on you, and I wanna be more than just fam. Let's be each other's ride or die and slay this love game together. What do you say, bae? :)
 
(Real Serious Verbal Threats to Xvideos Moderators Funny Parody Video LOL) (Education and Healthcare vs Defense Spending in the United States) (Ex-Marines = Subs = Teachers LMAO) (SPOILER: TL;DR: TIL: Xvideos is run by retarded non-adults) (POV you're an Xvideos moderator and you're being verbally threatened AS A JOKE by Geraldo Rivera Hologram)
 
Complete💯✔️ Guide🗺️👨‍🏫📜 to Horse🐴🐎🏇🦄 Masturbation👊💦💦
Horse🐴 masturbation👊💦💦 techniques🥋🤹 aren't🙅 the same♊ kinds of techniques🥋🤹 as, say🗣️, just⚖️ a guy👨 jerking off👊💦 or receiving📫 a blowjob🌬️🍆. They have very specific📍 stimulation💆💡 requirements📜. Generally🎖️ speaking🗣️, it's not🙅 possible🔮 for people👪 to stimulate💆💡 a horse🐎 in the correct✔️ manner🙇. In the videos📺 you've seen👁️ of women👩 "giving🎁 a horse🎠 a blowjob🌬️👅🐡" the horses🐴 aren't🙅 being fully💯 stimulated💡 properly🎩. Their cock🐓🍆 heads👨 aren't🙅 flaring✨, and, in most cases💼, their cocks🐓 are kind of malleable🥀🐍 and can👌 be moved🚚 around↩️ and stuff. This is because the stimulation💡 requirements📜 for getting their cocks🐓🍆 out of their sheaths🗡️👛 is vastly🌊 less than actual ejaculation🍆💦💦. In all of those videos📼, those people👪 are just⚖️ playing🤡⚽ with flaccid🥀 horse🐴 dick🍆 more or less. The "cum"💦💦 you see👁️ in those videos📹 is usually a watered💧 down⬇️ yogurt🥛🥄 that is put⛳ in their mouths👄🤤 in a camera🎥 transition💊🏳️‍🌈 and held📎 there until they spit🤤💦 it out. In order📦 to use those in most cases💼 though, the horse🐴 has to be willing👌🙋 to "mount"🗻 the device🔬, and begin🎬 the bucking💸🦌 and humping🐫🐪 on their own. This is usually achieved💯✔️ by spreading⚱️ estrus🤰🍑♀️ pheromones🌹👃💞 around↩️, gaining the horse's🐎 attention🛎️⚠️, and having them mount🗻 a sawhorse🚧🦄 or fence🚧 or something where the positioning📍 makes🎨 them believe💫✡️📿 that they are actually on top🎩🎪 of a Mare🐴🤰♀️. Then at that point☝️📌 they are attempting🙋 to shove👐 their, very erect🗼, cocks🐓🍆 into a Mare's🐴🤰♀️ vagina, but there is no🙅 Mare🐴🤰 present. If the person👨 with the artificial🤖 vagina🌮 isn't❌ fast💨 enough to get it around↩️ the horse's🐴 cock🍆, after about🤷 15-30 seconds⏱️ of attempted🙋 mounting🗻 the horse🐴 will try🙋 to give🎁 up⬆️ and reevaluate🤔⁉️ the situation💹. When a mount🗻 is successful💯✔️ though, actual copulation💑🌭🌮 only lasts⏱️ about🤷 15 seconds⏱️, and is VERY intense🎆🌟💥, thusly why the bucking💸🦌 and humping🐫🐪 is a key🗝️🔑 component⚙️🔌 for their ejaculation💦💦💦.
 
Is 16 and 16.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 an acceptable age gap?Context: My(16f) boyfriend(16.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001m) and i started dating around 3 months ago.
We met at this wonderful, cozy cafe that just had this amazing atmosphere and i immediately knew he was the one. Obviously, the first thing I asked him was his age, because, i didn't want to get groomed. It was a huge relief when he told me he was 15.748393837394049838283744929837594027264829837493929474893920753902973 years old, because i also happened to be that exact same age at the time (or so i thought). I was still a bit cautious though.
Fast forward to around 2 weeks ago, it was our birthday. The two of us were just celebrating, when we suddenly got a call from the hospital, informing us that my boyfriend's time of birth had been incorrectly registered as 1 Planck time (about 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 years) lesser than it actually was, due to a malfunction in the 45 ton quantum clock operating in the hospital at the time. (It's supposed to count seconds based on the orbital period of an electron in an atom of Silicon, but apparently, it was uncalibrated.) This meant he was actually 1 Planck time older than me.
I immediately started freaking out and, in a panic, anticipating i was about to get groomed, pushed my boyfriend down the stairs. Looking back on it, it might have been an overreaction, but it was in the heat of the moment, and i wasn't thinking straight. He ended up breaking his C1, C3, T7 and L3 vertebrae, and has yet to wake up from his coma.
Without him, I've been having a lot more time to think, so i began wondering if a 1 Planck time (0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 years) age gap is too much? Like, i know it's probably fine... but I'm just not comfortable dating someone that much older. I'm honestly thinking about breaking up with him if he ever wakes up from his coma. I just wouldn't be able to live in constant fear of being groomed. What do you guys think??
According to South Park, it takes 22.3 years before something tragic is funny.22.3 years is a lot of years, but not all of those years are created equal.
Every 4 years in the modern calendar is a leap year where we have 1 extra day. So therefor the equation for finding the amount of days before something is funny is (22.3 * 365) + 5, as there are 5 leap years within 22.3 years.
After doing the math this means that it would take 8,144.5 days before something tragic is considered funny. And because the first plane hit the twin towers on September 11th, 2001 at 8:46am that means that 9/11 is officially funny on December 29th, 2023 at 8:46PM Eastern Standard Time.
Mark your calendars.

57 - 21st Century Schizoid [REDACTED] (feat. Geraldo AI Hologram + Nicki Minaj)

Why we should sexualize Autism
We should sexualize autism because... The acts of autistic people are cute. I think the emotional and physical requirements for the average autistic person are adorable and a caretaker assisting them while developing it into a psycho-sexual relationship has similar as an ABDL or DD/LC exchange.
The sexualization of autism can branch out primarily two different ways, as there are two ends of the autistic spectrum - the highly functioning and borderline super genius, and the dependent and stunted developers, both which can be melded into an effective sex partner with the proper manipulation, per se.
Highly functioning geniuses have an impeccable intellect (obviously) and can think of many unique ways to pleasure their partners and themselves, individually and simultaneously. Depending on personality, this spectrum of autism may be more dominant if they find themselves superior to their partner. On the other hand, those who are more shy and reserved will most likely be submissive and will most likely use their brainy nature and outside-thinking to provide their mate with the best sexual experience they can provide.
Dependent developers require a lot of help honing their physical and mental abilities, which, at earlier stages, can be exploited to have them hone their abilities for sexual acts. These individuals usually cling to whom they trust the most and will do what they can with what abilities they do possess for praise and approval. With such trust, they will most likely allow you to do what you wish with them with little fuss but a lot of fluster. These two traits make them an endearingly submissive partner in bed.
 
I cannot stop jerking off to female Roblox avatars.
The Roblox Metaverse is such a wonderful place to be in. You know, you can find some fucking stunning and beautiful girls with these avatars in every premise and experience of the Roblox Metaverse?
Everytime I play a game in the wonderful Metaverse, I see a Roblox girl, with GIGANTIC THIGHS, sweet beautiful faces with the cherry topping of their glasses, and their hot ass body that I can lay my hands upon on. My dick hardens upon the sight of a Roblox girl.
I just can't stop jerking off to their avatars because they are so fucking gorgeous and hot. Their avatars getting naked, then getting fucked canine-style, is how I picture them. I go to a bathroom simulator game, and I thrust back-and-forth every female avatar I see. I can't resist this primal urge to jack off to them as it is imprinted in my mindset.
Fuck you.
Fuck you. You useless piece of shit. You absolute waste of space and air. You uneducated, ignorant, idiotic dumb swine, you’re an absolute embarrassment to humanity and all life as a whole. The magnitude of your failure just now is so indescribably massive that one hundred years into the future your name will be used as moniker of evil for heretics. Even if all of humanity put together their collective intelligence there is no conceivable way they could have thought up a way to fuck up on the unimaginable scale you just did. When Jesus died for our sins, he must not have seen the sacrilegious act we just witnessed you performing, because if he did he would have forsaken humanity long ago so that your birth may have never become reality. After you die, your skeleton will be displayed in a museum after being scientifically researched so that all future generations may learn not to generate your bone structure, because every tiny detail anyone may have in common with you degrades them to a useless piece of trash and a burden to society. No wonder your father questioned whether or not your were truly his son, for you'd have to not be a waste of carbon matter for anyone to love you like a family member. Your birth made it so that mankind is worse of in every way you can possibly imagine, and you have made it so that society can never really recover into a state of organization. Everything has forever fallen into a bewildering chaos, through which unrecognizable core, you can only find misfortune. I would say the apocalypse is upon us but this is merely the closest word humans have for the sheer scale of horror that is now reality. You have forever condemned everyone you love and know into an eternal state of suffering, worse than any human concept of hell. You are such an unholy being, that if you step within a one hundred foot radius of a holy place or a place that has ever been deemed important by anyone, your distorted sac religious soul will ruin whatever meaning it ever had beyond repair. You are an idiotic, shiteating, dumbass ape and no one has ever loved you. Rhodes Island would have been better off if you'd never joined us. You are a lying, backstabbing, cowardly useless piece of shit and I hate you with every single part of my being. Even this worlds finest writers and poets from throughout the ages could never hope to accurately describe the scale on which you just fucked up, and how incredibly idiotic you are. Anyone that believes in any religion out there should now realize that they have been wrong this entire time, for if divine beings were real, they would never have allowed a being such as you to stain the earth and this universe. In the future there will be horror stories made about you, with the scariest part of them being that the reader has to realize that such an indescribable monster actually exists, and that the horrific events from the movie have actually taken place in the same world that they live in right now. You are the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this earth, yet you manage to make it so that that is only a small part of the evil that is your being. Never in the history of mankind has there been anyone that could have predicted such an eldrich abomination, but here you are. It’s hard to believe that I am seeing such an incredible failure with my own eyes, but here I am, so unfortunately I cannot deny your existence. Even if I did my very best, my vocabulary is not able to describe the sheer magnitude of the idiotic mistake that is you. Even if time travel some day will be invented, there still would not be a single soul willing to go back in time to before this moment to fix history, because having to witness such incredible horrors if they failed would have to many mental and physical drawbacks that not even the bravest soul in history would be willing to risk it. I cannot imagine the pure dread your mother must have felt when she had to carry a baby for nine months and then giving birth to such a wretched monster as you. Not a single word of the incoherent, illogical rambling you may be wanting to do to defend yourself or apologize would ever be able to make up for what you just did. The countries of the world would have wanted to make laws preventing such a terrible event like this from ever happening again, but sadly this is not possible since your horrific actions just now have shattered every form of order this world once had, making concepts such as laws irrelevant. Right from the moment I first set my eyes on you I knew you were an absolute abomination of everything that is wrong with humanity. I was hoping I would have been able to prevent your evil from being released upon this world by tagging along and keeping my eye on you, but it is clear to me now that not even the greatest efforts would have been able to prevent a terrible event in this scale from occurring. You are the worst human being, or even just being in general, that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Events like the infected plague apparently only happened with the goal of teaching humanity to survive such a horrible event as the one you just created, but not even mankind’s greatest trials were able to even slightly prepare anyone for the insufferable evil you have just created. If you ever had them, your children would be preemptively killed to protect this universe from the possibility of anyone in your bloodline being even half as bad as you are, except you will never be able to have children, because not a single human being will ever want to come within a hundred mile radius of you and anything you have ever touched. You are a colossal disappointment not only to your parents, but to your ancestors and entire bloodline. The disgusting mistake that you have just made is so incredibly terrible that everyone who would ever be to hear about it would spontaneously feel an indescribable mixture of immense anger, fear and anxiety that emotionally and physically they would never truly be the same ever again. The sheer scale of your mistake, if ever to be materialized, would not only surpass the size of the world, but it would reach far beyond the edges of the known, and almost certainly the unknown universe. I could sit here and write paragraphs, nay, books describing your immense failure, yet even if I were to dedicate my life to describing the reality of what has just gone down here, and I would spend every moment of it until my heart stops beating working as hard and efficiently as possible, yet there is not even a snowballs chance in hell that I would be able to come close to transcribing the absolute shitshow you have just released upon the world. You are an irresponsible, idiotic, disgusting, unloved, horrible excuse for a living being who’s soul contains less humanity than every ginger in history combined. The absolute disgust I feel when thinking about anything that has even a slight resemblance to anything that might have to do with you and your unholy actions is so incredibly great that when I am honest about it I think that even I do not posses a consciousness great enough to comprehend my own feelings about it. When people of Columbia fought to break free from Lungmen, countless soldiers fought and lost their lives in favor of a chance at a better future for their children, they did not give their lives to have you fuck the world up beyond repair to the degree that you are doing right now. Honestly, even when technology advances and studies on the subject become more and more accurate, I do not think humanity will ever truly be able to understand what your failure actually means for the universe. My hate for you and everything you stand for is so much deeper than the depths of Shambala that you could probably take the entire Lungmen population down there and back up around twenty million times before you would have sunk to the end of my hate, and honestly, I do not want to exaggerate, but I think that that insult was low balling it such a massive amount that all mountains in this world combined would not be able to stack up to this imprecise judgement in light of the fact that when being honest, my hate is almost certainly bottomless. There is no one in this world that has ever loved you, and especially after what you just did, no one will ever love you in the future either. There is no hope that your idiotic behavior and especially your crooked soul will ever change for the better, and in fact quite the opposite might be true. By making the mistake that you just did, you have shown me that you are so incredibly hopeless that you will only devolve into a more idiotic and wretched creature than you already are. The only possible way in which your future would be brighter than the black hole your existence currently is would exclusively be because there is absolutely no conceivable way that you would even be able to sink lower than the pathetic place your current failure has put you in.

56 - Bedtime Sport (feat. Geraldo’s Real Step-Father)

Hello, is this Pizza Hut?
Excellent. My name is Ben Shapiro. Conservative thought leader. Prominent white YouTuber. The Muggsy Bogues of the intellectual dark Web. And—look, it’s just a fact—I would like to order some pizza pie. If you are triggered by that request, I do not care. I truly do not.
Now let’s discuss conditions. First, thank you for agreeing to debate me. Typically, in fora such as this, I am met with ad-hominem mudslinging, anything from “You racist creep” or “Is that your real voice?” to raucous schoolyard laughter and threats of the dreaded “toilet swirly.” However, your willingness to engage with me over the phone on the subject of pizza shows an intellectual fortitude and openness to dangerous ideas which reflects highly on your character. Huzzah, good sir. Huzzah.
Second, any pizza I order will be male. None of this “Our pizza identifies as trans-fluid-pan-poly”—no. Pizza is a boy. With a penis. It’s that simple. It’s been true for all of human history, from Plato to Socrates to Mr. Mistoffelees, and any attempt to rewrite the pillars of Western thought will be met with a hearty “Fuh!” by yours truly. And, trust me, that is not a fate you wish to meet.
Now. With regard to my topping preference. I have eaten from your pizzeria in times past, and it must be said: your pepperoni is embarrassingly spicy. Frankly, it boggles the mind. I mean, what kind of drugs are you inhaling over there? Pot?! One bite of that stuff and I had to take a shower. So tread lightly when it comes to spice, my good man. You do not want to see me at my most epic. Like the great white hero of Zack Snyder’s classic film “300,” I will kick you.
Onions, peppers—no, thank you. If I wanted veggies, I’d go to a salad bar. I’m not some sort of vegan, Cory Booker weirdo. And your efforts to Michelle Obama-ize the great American pizza pie are, frankly, hilarious. Though not as funny as the impressively named P’Zone—when I finally figured out that genuinely creative pun, I laughed until I cried and peed. A true Spartan admits defeat, and I must admit that, in this instance, your Hut humor slayed me, Dennis Miller style.
And, with that, you have earned my order. Congratulations. Ahem. Without further ado, I would like your smallest child pizza, no sauce, extra cheese. Hello? Aha. A hang-up. Another triggered lib, bested by logic. Damn it. I’m fucking starving.
 
I think that it’s ok to be sexually aroused by Pokemon. More so, I think it should be encouraged in the games and anime, and GameFreak should lean into it.
Firstly, some Pokemon are shown to be much smarter then humans. Kadabra has been said to have an IQ over 5000, which is gigantically more than the definition of an animal, which have an IQ between 0 (Worms and Fish) and 65 (Apes and Octopus). Thus, they are smarter then needed to be able to give consent. Secondly, the argument could be made they are not as empathetic as humans, and thus can't give consent. This is proven not to be true numerous times in the anime, by watching Meowth. In Season 2, Episode 16 of the Pokemon show, it is established that he is no smarter or different then regular Pokemon, he simply learnt to walk by watching a dance rehearsal and later learnt English through a picture book. Throughout the following seasons, it’s shown how he schemes, laughs, cries and even at points, deceives people into thinking he is a human (in order to steal Ash's Pikachu of course). And the last piece of damning evidence - a folk tale in the Canalave Library (Pokémon Diamond and Pearl) literally STATES that humans used to marry Pokémon. This was removed in the English translation. Gamefreak, if you wanted us to fuck Pokémon, just say it.
Conclusively, Pokemon aren't animals. They are intelligent, with empathy and kindness, and should be treated as equals. Denying them the right to have sex with humans removes their freedom, which is racist, and frankly, unamerican.
 
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a bar..
The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
also i'm gay

55 - Gay Sexpo (feat. Geraldo’s Biological Step-Father)

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I became the first person to cum in 2023
December 31st 2022 - I sat in my chair furiously masturbating my dick desperate to release gallons of sperm but I resisted the urge and I kept edging for 5 minutes carefully watching the clock on my PC. I waited in anticipation until finally it was 2022. I ejaculated releasing loads and loads of gooey white cum everywhere, I moaned with satisfaction, proud of my achievement.
I had just become the first person to cum in 2023. I look over my cum filled desk and chair with pride.
So all of you can go cry, because none of you will be able to claim my title of first person to cum in 2023. Go wallow in sorrow and self-pity at the fact that you missed the opportunity to ejaculate just when it reached the New Year at midnight. While you subhuman mere mortals are setting of fireworks at midnight, I am blasting a massive explosion of cum everywhere. Oh yes, I am now superior to everyone on the planet, bow down to me, the cum lord of 2023.
Happy new year, losers.
 
what would u do if u met character
Sexual intercourse. That's the answer for all of these. Every single one of you that uh "oh if you had 24 hours with me what would you.." Sexual intercourse. Every single time. We don't need to do any more. All done. You're so hot. Hubba hubba. Wanna have sex. That's it. No more. The dude that's like "Oh if I brought you Domino's and I worked at Domino's what would you do?" I'd take the pizza and I'd have sex with you. Cause you're so attractive. The girl "If I worked at Starbucks and I gave you your drink that you paid for but I looked at you, what would you do?" Intercourse. I would take you to the back and have intercourse, because I can't resist you. Okay? We're all done. There's no more. What more do we n- I need to fucking delete this app dude.
 
"Do girls get wet in school shootings?" 
Mandatory Preface: I am not condoning school shootings. Rather, I am merely inquiring about female biology. We all know that women love attractive, dominant men. Within the context of a school shooting, the shooter is unequivocally the dominant man (that is, the shooter transcends his current status in the dominance hierarchy and temporarily becomes an ultra-Chad). Given the females close proximity to this ultra-Chad during the shooting, although scared for their life, experience extreme sexual arousal and attraction towards the shooter, hoping that perhaps rather than shooting them, the shooter has sexual intercourse with them instead. Is my theory correct? Have studies been conducted on this?
There are many compelling reasons why Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, should be a playable character in the popular video game series Super Smash Bros. For one, Obama is a highly influential and historic figure who served as the first African American President of the United States. Including him as a playable character in the game would not only be a nod to his significance in American history, but it would also add diversity to the game's roster of characters.
Additionally, Obama has a unique and memorable personal style that could make for an interesting and fun character in the game. His distinctive look, including his signature suits and his famous ear-to-ear grin, could be incorporated into his character design, making him instantly recognizable to players. Furthermore, his charisma and likability, which were key factors in his successful political career, could translate into an engaging and entertaining in-game persona.
Furthermore, Obama's time in office was marked by numerous accomplishments and landmark events, such as the passage of the Affordable Care Act and the legalization of same-sex marriage, that could provide inspiration for his in-game abilities and moves. For example, his ability to bring people together and find common ground could be represented by a move that temporarily calms down and unifies other characters on the battlefield.
In addition to his personal attributes and accomplishments, Obama also has a wide range of skills and talents that could make him a formidable opponent in Super Smash Bros. As a former basketball player and avid sports fan, Obama could have moves that incorporate elements of basketball, such as slam dunks and dribbling. He could also have access to a range of high-tech gadgets and equipment from his time as President, such as drones and secret service agents, that could give him an edge in battle.
Overall, there are many reasons why Barack Obama should be a playable character in Super Smash Bros. His historic significance, memorable personal style, and diverse range of skills and abilities would make him a valuable addition to the game's roster of characters.
(Moveset)
As a former President of the United States, Barack Obama could have a variety of moves at his disposal in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Here are a few ideas for his moveset:
● Neutral Special: "Hope and Change" - Obama creates a circle of light around himself, healing himself and any allies within the circle.
● Side Special: "Yes We Can" - Obama rushes forward, delivering a powerful punch to any opponents in his path.
● Up Special: "Soaring Speech" - Obama takes flight, using the power of his oratory skills to boost himself upward and damage any opponents he comes into contact with.
● Down Special: "Lincoln's Legacy" - Obama summons the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, who attacks opponents with a spectral axe.
● Final Smash: "The Audacity of Hope" - Obama unleashes a powerful flurry of blows, finishing with a devastating uppercut that sends opponents flying.

54 - Family Edition (feat. Geraldo’s Mom)

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