51 - weed makes you peaceful, creative, self actualized wonder drug from god he put it in the ground

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There's a lot you think you know about it but you don't know anything about what it is or if it is even about it in the first place. Think about it. Are you thinking about it? Is it what it is?

what it is, is not what it is not 

I once dreamt a dream of what it was, but twas but a dream. Wake up.

What about aliens and UFRos they come from space too ya know

Have you even been to out in space.

Sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo trash to me

How bout you make like a tree and get outta here.

Herroooo, wehrcome to Ros Angeres.

I'm here with you right now and that's all I'll ever be.

Scene of the crime of the century

Where do you think you're speaking to me right now??

Even if you need help walking around with your hands full ur friend is right here to help you hold your hands full okay!

Right here

You're kinda weirding me out now right now right here right out now. 

Get this dragon outta here 

You think you're so cool cuz you make big like it's nobody else's business but you don't realize how that makes the rest of us feel when you do things like that.

I'm with you brother. You and me and the world against the rest of em. We'll hit em so hard they won't even know about it probably. 

Don't get on that plane please.

It'd be nice to know before you go, ya know.

I can't stop I can't stop I cant stop I can't stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

Dj turn it up up up up up up up up up up up up

Dj turn it up up up up up up up up up

Dj turn it up up up up up up up up up

Dj turn it up up up up up up up up up

Ya better figure it out bud. 

When you're 18 you're outta here.

When you're 21 you're outta here

When you're 25 you're outta here

When you're 26 you're outta here

When you're there you're outta here

Lights out sport. 

Bed time pal.

You're done kid.

We're all gonna grow up someday and when that day comes you'll understand how it will be to feel when you're older. Finally.

I was a young man once, and that man... was Albert Einstein.

Big booty bitches on my dick dick so hard need a back rub dick so hard call that rugburn

I play sex with the pussy call me sex playa

She puts the pussy on my head........now that's a brainiac.

Nut in my dictionary, now that's an almanac yeah

Eat my ass like a dragon, ass dragon. Draggin ass like it's her job that's a job, sex work is a job, call that sex sex job

I give her a sex job she call me sex job

I blow her mind she call me sex bomb

Spaghetti pababa

She feels my pino call her feelapino

She has sex with Filipinos call her Filipino fucker

She has sex with Filipinos call her Carlson Tucker

She has sex with Filipinos call her penis sucker

Wake up it's happening again

You'll never escape 

This is forever probably but how would you know if you never even knew how it was supposed to be in the first place. That's what never made sense to someone sensible like myself, the idea that you could think about for a while and still feel as if you know more about it than the average man. It goes around for ages and ages and you still end up in the hole. 

Ask any man or woman on the street but nobody in between and he/she will tell you the truth about what it really means to live long enough to be big and old in this day and age when all u think about is gay this gay that gay gay gay sex sex sex blowjob here blowjob there transexuals on the corner in my room on my bed gay blowjob straight blowjob over and over and over big cums for everyone and for WHAT

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

and it's what you're thinking now. You cannot stop. 

You will have the ceremony and you will birth the things necessary for life and you will drive the wheels of life turning the pages and flipping the burgers of life for all eternity the life you once knew the life you dreamt about the life you deserve if you follow the rules the life you earned the life you drew on the paper and folded into a cute lil animal and gave to your crush but she doesn't realize your life is in there and you're all like woah dude cool it with the antisemantic remarks already sheesh. Think of the hoes. What would the hoes think of this? Of your behavior?

Hoover the lean

We always knew something was up between us the moment you heard me say the thing you thought and realized that other people have brains but unfortunately they mean nothing in that silly world you call a life. Ya listen and listen and watch and learn and breathe and fine dine and you look at me with those eyes and think wow now this is something I can finally get around to eventually if I just applied myself for once in my life. You set the alarm and you're on your way only to find that you never noticed the big goof in front of you all along making odds and ends just pleasing the soul as God wills it to be. It turns out it was you, on the table bleeding heaving shaking screaming your dad is pushing and shoving and yelling wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up what are you doing why are you doing this please stop and you're in the pit the literal pit they're throwing up on you all of them standing around looking down at you vomiting you're in the metaphorical pit you're slamming your head on the carpet over and over and over you can't get up it hurts but the pain is meaningless or it will be soon. 

the tears are hot your brain is hot your chest your lungs are burning melting erupting flowing out of you the neighbors are listening they can hear you they're calling for help you need to be quiet so they don't come to the door so they don't knock the door down and take you away take you away take you away to a place where you belong.

They're just worried it's nothing personal but personally I wouldn't worry myself with trivial personal worries about the worrisome personalities. the manifesto is plagiarized, merely a symbol, a kind gesture, a courtesy, 2 weeks notice. It is the amalgamation of every thought you deemed even remotely insightful, anything that beared the slightest resemblance to reason or purpose. You grow and you grow and you grow and obviously u gotta put it somewhere before you explode. Before he shakes you in the ford focus the Toyota Prius the hyundaisl sonata the Honda Accord. Before the long ride home slamming the wheel flooring the pedal only to end up lifeless on a 20 year old couch that was blue when you bought it but I've only ever seen it as green. 

To keep the garbage in the house for so so long, to let it rot and drag itself around wallowing in filth the grime the stench the complete and utter waste dripping from every corner every crack in the tiles the stench wafting through the vents into your nose under the cover of darkness dutch ovened voluntarily and purposefully all-knowingly  you simply sleep in a different bed. Most things are good enough, after all.

Does it feel like slam poetry when you take your hand and you put it where u always imagined a handg would go and handgo no a handgu and a handgu is only as gud as the hand that hulds the gu hence the name handgu. A gu for the hand, so to speak if u will. Now picture this, my hand, your gu, concealed, we drop in do the big one once and for all. die hard or die tryin. Put on the suit Gavin dance Gavin dance Gavin dance Gavin dance Gavin dance Gavin dance Gavin dance Gavin 

Are you not relaxed. Are you not tingling?

What most people need is a good cerebral Joe Rogan high. And you're only gonna get that from a good salubrious sativa weed plant like the kind your mom used to make in the garden but only to show off to the neighbors before she would burn it up big ol billowing cloud of weed smoke for the fire department. Take that guy society, she says, shooting chuck and Larry with stepfather's government subsidized limited edition Cabela's standard issue m4A1 carbine assault rifle with red dot sight + silenced grenade launcher 10th prestige brigadier general, the hottest firemen in the entire district launch a counteract which effectively reduces your mother to smithereens as they say.

Smitherums. 

Smithereum. 

Smidderpeens.

Misterbeans.

How could a mind possibly work when you allow it to roam free within the confines of the English language at a pseudointellectual 16th grade level. How is it supposed to write material for a show where spoken word is virtually meaningless to anyone but the speaker speaking the words being spoken, without any regard for the listener, or human life in general.

This was always meant for someone who isn't you unfortunately. It was never about you. And apparently it was never about me either. 

And when it's all said and done you'll ask yourself who DIDD be framin Roger rabbit freal.

I had a friend who I went to day hospital with back in like highschool who ended up developing schizophrenia. But he mostly just spent his teens being depressed and smoking weed and listening to kid cudi and doing hand stuff like me. thought maybe we were both just destined to be degenerates or slackers or something. I remember he would lie down under the chairs in the waiting room, like 8am just chillin staring up at the seats. and our shared therapist would be standing there just talking with him casually or maybe trying to deescalate him I could never quite tell. But I would just check in as usual and never thought too much about it. Just boys being boys.

And then seemingly he'd come back around to the therapeutic group milieu pretty quickly acting pretty jovial and charismatic around the other kids. A real goofy dude. I seemed to connect with him the most out of everyone else there, I kinda felt like we were both more angsty than genuinely depressed/suicidal, but still generally enjoying our lives to some degree between the dark times. Whereas many kids there were definitely much sicker and hardly able to connect with the world around them. I thought David was more in tune than anyone weirdly enough, just based on my idea of "unstable cool" when I was 17. Things were a lot funnier to Dave and I always envied him for that. we had to fill out these like, action plan forms for if/when we felt like we were approaching crisis or feeling triggered, and one time Dave wrote "jerk off" in his list of potential coping skills to be used in the event of an emergency. And the fat bearded chud redditor in a sweater vest gave it back to him and he was like "well yes while that's like totally a valid intervention or distraction or whatever, we have to send these to the insurance companies and they're gonna think that nobody is taking this seriously" or something like that and made dave pick another thing. Apparently insurance will not reimburse a program that tolerates masturbation as a form of self-care. Very funny. I had been in and out of the program a few times over the course of 2 years or whatever and got too comfortable at both the inpatient and outpatient hospitals as a regular. It was at a point where our therapist would have me lead parts of the biweekly group sessions. I dont know what the real intent was with that, I always thought it was something about closing the loop of peer2peer support, removing the professional/patient dynamic while maintaining a professional environment. Or maybe he just thought it would be therapeutic for me to feel like I was contributing to something, like good for my self-esteem and give me some sense of responsibility. To make it feel like I learned something from it all, to show myself that I've grown or at least become able to put most of the past into perspective and share it with someone else. That it was somehow worth having gone through. 

I liked having Dave in those groups. I couldn't connect with anyone else there, and I couldn't feel comfortable sharing in the kinda group that clearly had much more severe problems than mother son enmeshment and like, teen heartbreak. I remember some kid just said he saw and heard the number 2 everywhere. And he certainly looked like that was true. Just bewildered. A white girl on lithium, with a similar look of bewilderment in her eyes, but with an edge of impulsivity. Some big kid who like killed his little sister or something accidentally. And I remember I used to try so hard to have something to say in response to these people, because i always it felt even more isolating to share and have absolutely zero feedback or support from anyone, but sometimes these situations were just so strange and uniquely unfamiliar that nobody could relate or even feel like they should try to openly relate. And also the fact that we were all just broken kids who could hardly process their own lives. But I feels so weird to think I used to be that guy, that used to be the most committed to the bit, but in a very earnest, genuine way. I tried so hard for no good reason

Anyway Dave and I ended up getting through the rest of highschool and going off to college. We both stayed in touch with our adolescent therapist as a sort of light mentorship, and I had heard he was doing really well in school. Super active with his music and a bunch of extra curriculars, very sociable and bright. Seemed to have really found himself and all that. I remember meeting with him and our therapist just to hang out and catch up, sometime toward the end of college or maybe soon after graduating. He was cheery and generally stable from what could I see, but he proceeded to tell us about this very unhinged story about how he met a girl who lived in another state and basically flew out to her unannounced, unprompted, and just showed up at her fucking job. like tryna be romantic and shit, but unfortunately the girl was not as neurotic as him and called the police. And he was arrested or something and flew home, nothing bigger than that apparently. I remember thinking that was kind of wild at the time, but also didn't seem to warrant any major intervention considering everything that seemed to be relatively stable and successful

Sotm teebs

Another year or so passes, he finished school. I start seeing all this shit on Facebook that he's tagged in, old classmates sharing screenshots of DMs he was sending to them, just saying the most random hateful shit and just generally harassing people for no apparent reason. Like just straight up calling them gross, scum, fuck you bitch, please unadd me, block me. Real dumb shit. And every post had a bunch of likes and huge threads all talking about how much of a bitchass asshole he always was and that he should be arrested, coordinating ways to pool together all the screenshots and evidence to submit to the police. Because Dave was sending this shit to tons of girls apparently, just blasting out messages to a bunch of randoms from college.

And I got so mad, I was so so mad seeing this situation unfold on fucking Facebook. It's almost worse than finding out your friend died by seeing a bunch of rip posts.

There were some people who clearly recognized that this was a case of someone just in dire need of help, like in crisis mode, and possibly because they knew him more closely and understood this was completely unlike him. But everyone else had this extremely violent, malicious reaction to it. As if he needed to be lynched as soon as possible. Tarred and feathered perhaps. 

 

Swinging in his cell

 

I think it's great that some people were able to recognize a problem but it was completely unnecessary to publicize this dude's case and put him on complete blast in order to get him help. Which most of them weren't trying to do in the first place, they were just there to shame the dude and get a little sympathy from their networks, to the point of everyone's mutual networks gangbanging this dude in endless comment threads, people who have no idea who he is or what he's like, what he's going through. And just telling him to rot. To fuck himself. To kill himself. Over and over and over again. 

I'm not excusing the messages he sent by any means, they were clearly wrong. But the people really milking that shit for attention were just plain evil. and then acted all proud and glad to see that he was just getting the help he needed after everyone realized the dude was just mentally unwell. It made me sick

 David was posting very erratically on his own wall, just very vague grandiose walls of nonsequiturs about seemingly everything

He was hospitalized and was diagnosed with schizophrenia, warranting the use of heavy duty antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. He started receiving ongoing treatment and seemingly leveled out, at a much lower level of functioning. Our old therapist/mentor planned a meet up for the 3 of us. I had since moved away to California for the express purpose of avoiding another winter and to distract myself from killing myself. I was home for a short while and decided to meet up. David showed up looking like 70 pounds heavier, greasy stained sweats with various crumbs stuck to his hoodie and also his face. He spoke 2 miles an hour and he gazed at people as if he were blind. 

 

We sat In the car

Rock music

Light lock instupendo

 

David is now 28 and lives with his parents, seemingly indefinitely. He runs a blogspot where he publishes essays related to various works, one series in particular that always tickled me was the naruto character analysis. 

Scholarly thesis titles such as

 "Nagato: Inner-Pain and Justice

 

Nagato, or better know by his alias of Pain, is probably the most badass character in the Naruto World. He’s got piercings and gauges that m..."

 

"Orochimaru: Goodness, Evil, and Free Will

›

Orichimaru is the notorious villain in Naruto ( not shippuden). Naruto fans can’t forget his malevolent antagonism in the first part of the..."

 

"Madara Uchiha: Power in the Self

›

To me, Madara represents the dark self that dwells in all of us: a lust for more power. I don’t think humans, by our very nature, are driven..."

 

And many non-naruto related pieces as well.

 

He is still active on Facebook despite the fallout of his last break. Most people blocked or unadded him. He regularly posts almost daily seemingly, more recently Naruto compilation vids or itachi hype YouTube vids with no captions. 

Resharing fb memories, videos of himself from years ago when he was supposedly healthy and functional and independent. Playing piano or just being an upstanding young scholar..

Atoms song teebs

Posts that nobody interacts with. It's like a personal blog. But what's especially interesting about it is that while he regularly posts things, updates his profile pictures and shares rambling walls of text, he also frequently deletes a lot of things, seemingly at random. The blogspot I looked at just 12 hours ago is completely different. he has since replaced or deleted almost all of the posts with content that dates back months and months. And i would guess that this cycle of posting/deleting/changing things on social media happens frequently. 

I haven't talked to David in a while but I think of him often.

And this is what I think of when someone has an anime profile picture on literally anything. This is the story behind any anime PFP. A schizophrenic man, serenely sedated, barely holding onto reality, grasping, clawing. Effectively retarded, whether ur schizophrenic or not.

I sometimes wonder if he could have had a few extra years of normal independent life if he hadn't smoked so much weed. I figure the schizo would have come out eventually, or maybe never at all, by some miracle, if he didnt love kid Cudi so much when his brain was still developing. Iunno. I think everyone has experienced some degree of paranoid delusion  when doing drugs, and it's one of those things you're supposed to convince yourself that everything is fine and it will all go back to normal if u just relax. But I think every time someone smokes weed or does any drug you're risking a lifetime of functionality and independence. Whether it's something dramatic like behavioral impair

 

Numb clams

 

Like true neurological/behavioral impairment that prevents you from physically taking care of yourself, 

Or even something seemingly milder but over time more insidious and ultimately more damaging to those around you, like chronic depression, addiction, anger, paranoia.

I can hear the heart breaking as one

 

I smoke weed once in a while to remind myself how close any of us are to insanity, the potential for any person to break at any moment no matter what they have going for them. That all psychedelics do for me for the most part. They bring me to the brink and back. Give me taste of what someone's entire life can  become, and what the rest of my life could be someday. A perpetual state of broken.

Working in inpatient psych, for chronic long-term patients, really just scared the fuck out of me. I'm not afraid of the patients themselves, in fact being in that locked unit might be the most safe I've ever felt. I was scared of how much I related to them, how easily I recognized the thin sheet of glass holding me back from crossing into that world again. I was scared to be reminded of that potential to fall, 40 hours per week. And then to go home and think about it. dream about it. Plan for it. The 40 something college professor who suddenly shut down, who the nurses lured into the bathroom with a candy bar, to force her to take her monthly shower. People reduced to children for the rest of their lives. People reduced to silly little chores. People reduced to paypigs.

Blah blah this is just turning into  oooOoO o fragile minds ooOoOo u could die at any moment oooOOo  spooky ooOOOo psychosis oooOOo!!!!!!

Walk out of the theater ready to live life to the fullest ooOOOoo.

And now I smoke weed to write content.

Slowdeath - slut

But maybe I should save myself the trouble and  just plagiarize schizo content from real schizos. Instead of appropriating their culture. 

That's exactly what I'm doing. Appropriating mental illness and making a Halloween costume out of it. Gentrifying behavioral health. 

That is the last 30 40 50 years.

 

So shout out to Dave. My biggest inspiration of all. 

I know it sounds like I'm making fun of him ultimately, but I truly do respect his struggle and still look to him for some kind hope. 

Watching a video sh

If things turn around. We're both still young somehow.

I have a sneaking suspicion things will get much worse for me, suddenly and unexpectedly. Paranoid about the inevitable already. And I'd rather quit while I'm seemingly ahead. 

 

I leave you with David's most recent post. Please consider the following words the next time you see a homeless man and/or anime profile pic:

 

“Straightforward story about the bush through the window below the building in between the things where the people wander knowing and unknowingly in the herds where the grass is greener — than most places — yet still herding where the food is on the way to the next place which will take them to a better place yonder, yonder, yonder into unknown realms of hot fudge sauce and ice cream below the deck of where they used to live by people who were so, so happy — unbeknownst to us all, at the time, of course, cause they were those days, those nights to us who decided for once in the grand scheme of disturbing the universe which happens once every blue moon under the hyenas and the crowing toads…. But who knew? Such a mind as fast and as paced and as refined couldn’t catch the little glimpses of the departing plane taking off where the old men laughed about their fluids….

Damn. What a dood. ”

• Edo Tensei ! Itachi and Nagato´s First Appearance ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_nWj2MGP9A

 

It is what it is. Good luck and goodnight.