50 - Scared Straight (feat. David ”Davidian” Lynch)

October 18th

0100

The weed.

Remember I'm on weed when i write this so therefore it's all fake. Nothing is real.

5 lovely cheese cameras. Just for me

 look at the camera and say "now I will jerk off for you"

I think I'm honestly just playing with her dude.

Lol this sounds so douchey already

Like that's true I fuckin flew to Philly and heavily implied I flew there for her, and spent like half my time there with her, but was clear like yea I'm not moving back here, I have too many problems, I'm tired I have no energy I'm actively suicidal, moving back to Philly would be the worst possible thing. Moving to Oklahoma would be equally bad. 

So like I left feeling really resolute and uh, like clean from the situation. That I no longer felt like I had anything lingering in Philly to hold me back. I could feel completely disconnected from friends and family and like I could finally move on with my life mentally and emotionally. And then either kill myself or start a completely new life. And it's not her fault that I found her so appealing in so many ways. She really is perfect and I don't even understand exactly why. At first I thought she seemed overly attached/neurotic, like moving to be friends and commiting to a friendship so early, but honestly if she feels the same way I do about her, i think I get it. I get the sort of crazy, panicky uncertainty that feels strangely natural and almost predetermined. She triggers me in a schizophrenic way lol. I'm just showing it in a completely opposite way. Super afraid of it. Don't know how to approach it at all and I'm too afraid of failing again. Of feeling accountable and responsible for someone's life, their feelings, emotions, their thoughts, their actions.   I'm afraid I'm just gonna keep retreating from every relationship because the suicidality will never leave me. I'll feel guilty about wanting to kill myself when I have someone so close to me, and drag them down ultimately. I think that's why she says she gets it when she's letting me have incredible amounts of space. That she knows I'm in dark place and it wouldn't be helpful for either of us to keep talking. Already feeling myself snap or get agitated with her. There's some part of me that wants to send this note to her directly and just be done with it but I can barely recognize how awful that would be. 

I'm convinced I'm an extremely narcissistic sociopath and that's all I'll ever be. There is some part of me that is extremely worried I'll slip into a more permanent psychosis someday. 

Whenever the really big depressive episode hits. 

I should be getting there soon. 

I am holding onto virtually nothing.

What is there really. Lux. I burdened myself with a pet that I love. And that allegedly will live another 10 years or so. 

But I know she'll survive either way. it's just one last artificial hurdle to mentally overcome.

Having ....stuff is a hurdle. Stuff that I'd rather sell/throw out/give away so I'm not leaving things to clean up. I guess just the car and furniture at least. Big Tings. So everything is neat and tidy and liquidate whatever measly amount into one bank account, cancel and delete all my accounts on everything else, credit cards, bills, socials, porn. It should all be gone. 

Minimize the amount of physical burden for whoever is responsible for tying up whatever ends I leave loose. The burden of my belongings and presence, things you never knew or understood about me made available to you for the first time, now exclusively shaded with the context of my death, for as long as you let it haunt you. I'd rather there was practically none. 

Most people just have pictures. Mundane messages exchanged. Maybe a lil trinket or some other sentimental article. Socks. 

But no social presence for people to periodically check in on. The memorialized Facebook that mom inherits and checks regularly for the rest of her life. Responding to every single comment or wall post your friends and family leave. About the one memory about the quirky thing you used to do in school or about how you dated for 2 weeks but yall felt like siblings or that you were cool and nice and smart and funny or or or that they miss you extra today. Fly high.

Maybe that only happens when you die younger. People continue to think of you and leave fb comments for the version of you when you died, or at least from when they last saw you. Their idea of you at that moment. But everyone keeps aging around you, but they never adjust their idea of you to what you would be later in life. They imagine the 18 year old forever, just as he was. And so they write to him as if he's just an 18 year old, or a 8 year old, or a 28 year old. But I think we should just talk to them as if their spirit ages as well. It's like you're being condescending to the dead, a little patronizing. I can't tell if there's a bit in here somewhere. 

I smoked weed to relax and I wrote this instead. And now I think it's a good idea to read on the podcast. 

I should read this at an open mic. Just like 3 minutes of however far i can get into the note. 

Disclaimer: this is not a suicide note. (Read this part aloud) (VERY LOUD)

i SMOKED WEED and started THINKING AGAIN and now I'm INTROSPECTIVE again and think it's IMPORTANT to DOCUMENT .... APPARENTLY.......

AND now I'm SCHIZOPHRENIC and now IM NEVER WAKING UP 🥺

Limerence lyric genius

Been really into Alex Jones lately. The lawsuit is working. The memes are working.

Why did I buy the party size lifesavers green o mints. The two pound 12.93 oz package. 1.27 kg. What am I a TEACHER. giving out mints to STIMULATE YOUR MIND before an EXAM. I JUST started eating them tonight and it's very funny that all 363 mints are individually wrapped. Weird coincidence its only 2 mints short of one mint per day for a year. Don't you think??? 365mmmmm?

The fear of losing this - florist

So right, I'm tryna get the fuck out of here and mildly interesting shit keeps popping up in my life and it's getting annoying. Maybe I'll drive the car back to PA so that my mom can have it and also Rob can take care of Lux. And dad can take of the cardboard john Cena cutout and Nicki Minaj flag and my modest nudie mag collection and my streaming equipment so that he can treat the Omegle community to 62 year old Italian man in 1080p.

 

I texted the FX guy today but he hasn't gotten back to me. I will wait for that to run its course, if any course at all.

I will let the fbi play out a little longer. For as long as that bit is funny.

I guess you can consider this a form of sincerity unfortunately. This is the most candid I'll ever be, high on a couch at 3 am Tuesday morning.

Everything has been fake so far. This whole show has been fake. but you already knew that. Cuz I told you a million times. But you weren't sure, and neither was i. But now the real show starts. 

Judah's lullaby - repulsive

Hahahahahahhahahahahah (slow, low pitched)

What do you think is happening?

What's going on here?

Ya think?

Are you sure?

Tell me what you're thinking.

Because I have no idea.

No idea at all. 

Don't be shy.

I won't tell anyone.

Whisper it in my ear. 🌽

It'll be okay. I promise.

You couldn't live very long without a heart

Think about it.

The only other idea I have is leaning fully into music. Whatever that looks like. I keep imagining making beats while camming, pretending to squirm with pleasure whenever someone tips my lovense and like slapping the drum pads. But being super focused on the music, just putting out the shittiest beats over and over until I'm satisfied with a semi-honest attempt. 

Same with stand-up. Music and stand up are the key clown paths. 

Maybe I should try being homeless while I'm at it. Move to LA live in my car ya know, the usual. Pick up one serious drug habit. Get clean and make recovery my personality for the rest of my life. Make a career out of it maybe. Preach at highschools or whatever those speakers so. 

A girl I used to fuck around with in college is exactly that. I met her when we were both going through really dark times, but were seemingly on the come up. Her anorexic mom killed herself and then she started bingeing food and drugs and risky sex and attempted self harm and all that, bonded over having gone to the same behavioral health facilities at some point. Philhaven. 

#3aphex

Anyway she was still super unwell, physically and emotionally, but was getting help, whereas I was in the best shape of my life but was actively preparing for suicide. Going to the private meathead gym at 2AM and then driving around screaming and crying at 4AM and then going to nursing clinicals at 5 AM and then sleeping away any free time. We kinda lost touch when our lives started picking up again.

A short 2-3 years later she is like full on fitspo, mudrunner, crossfitter. Like Uber fit. And got hired to speak at schools, conventions, and other large events telling her story and reportedly making a lot of money. Her family has always been rich by the way, I would say lower upper class. So this was more of just a thing to do on the side, a college job.

And also was writing a book.

But I think it's weird how much a sexy recovery spokesperson gets paid to sell drug abstinence and recovery and behavioral wellness to children and adults alike. I guess it's an important job and all, considering its a form of primary prevention. But it forgets to mention that her recovery was bolstered by a relatively healthy, supportive, and rich family/network. 

So I almost think there's this implication that you too can afford to hit rock bottom and come out looking better than you ever did if you just like, try hard enough. That things will work out even if you slip up that badly, and you should feel comfortable taking that risk because something will catch you eventually. 

Those kids need shock therapy. Like Scared Straight exposure to drug addiction. 

Man wearing helmet

Not a sexy cardboard cutout of recovery. We know what good fortune looks like. 

Watch a guy detox. Take the kids to an emergency department and watch someone withdraw for a couple hours.

Outside your house

Anyway yea so that could be my path. I can become a recovery guru influencer once I get over um, whippet addiction.  

Experiencing real addiction would be interesting maybe. 

Okay so this was about how I need to commit to something literally anything. I am ready to jump headfirst into something and give it whatever I have left. And I'm not even afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid that I'll just never choose. 

Hey in case you forgot, I'm gay!

Episode 50 woohoo 

Hear's to another 50 baby

2023 baby. Michael Jordan baby

Make a wish baby. 

WIGTS 

The journal entries feel slightly manipulative and guilt trippy when shared like that. That's the kinda shit I would pull.

It doesn't help that they also serve to stroke my ego. The guy with a solo male podcast needs his self esteem reinforced

Anyway I'm gonna reread the letter in bed now and drift off peacefully thank you. I will hopefully have already mailed a response by the time this is uploaded.

This episode was less meta than the last and you should expect more genuine feelings and thoughts from me moving forward. Things you can hold me accountable for in the event of an accident. 

Memorialized PodBean page

Memorialized neopets page

Memorialized Xvideos account

Legacy Onlyfans page

Legacy Spotify playlist

Tribute NordVPN IP address

10th prestige call of duty

Salute

Make a wish baby.

Living in the city PHF

Barefoot Chicago hartley

Weepin in da trench 

Second mistake Ayya

Reading this again thinking how funny it could possibly be to read the entirety of the letter aloud, funny to anyone other than myself and the writer. The letter itself is very funny alone I think, possibly even more so out of context.  Huh. I guess I'll have time to decide if I will or not. (Decide.)

Hm but will I cut it out? (Decide.)

Jumpcut

Damn I guess I'm an asshole after all!

5:17 he marveled. It was the strangest time he'd seen in his entire life

How do you think it'll end

 

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