48 - Good Luck and Good Night

Title: ASMR POV Tinder Date got too high for his FBI interview / Federal Casting Couch Audition Read Through

 

This weed is 2 years old but apparently can still get me decently ripped.

 

To a point where I'm paranoid that the FBI interview will somehow actually be some sort of arrest/detainment. And like that's why they want me to come in for the meet n g greet in person instead, even though the online one said pretty much everyone would be meeting remotely but one person would be in. Which is apparently me. So like I got assigned to a different interviewer and they want me inside the building. Wtf!!

 

But it's stupid cuz literally everything I ever made has been parody, satire, a joke

 

I'm feeling weirdly regretful about of a lot of the things I joked about. Something about empathetizing and feeling the paranoia and anxiety to its fullest, understanding why people become so neurotic and unbearable, because they live with immense amount of fear, they genuinely fear death whereas I dream about death. It's not a better way to live. 

 

I leave the house like twice a week tops.

 

Flying to Philly was.....incredibly tiresom. I wonder if my lack of desire to visit/stay connected to home stems from more of a general anxiety and paraonia thing, just about being out of the house. Being barely able to go to a show. There were 2 bands I thought I was sure I wanted to see this week and I didn't see either of them. And I even bailed on sex! With a certified freak!!! Wtf??? And now I'm sitting alone on the couch at 1am stoned and I'm freaking out about the fucking FBI. Holy shit dude!! I'm fucked!!! This has got to be the shmeeze talking. 

 

Also dude, I've been seriously thinking about disappearing. Like completely disconnecting from everyone, changing my number, moving to another state, changing my fucking name. Like honestly to the extreme, literally nobody. Delete all socials. Delete the content even. Just completely wipe myself from my old grid.

 

What would that do to me. Like years and years down the road.. to let so many years pass and never feel comfortable going home again

 

Would they report me missing or something

 

I think I'm just doing it for attention. There's part of me that also thinks it's cuz that's the only way I can get myself all the way to the bottom. To truly cut myself off and let the guilt and sadness build. Move to the middle of nowhere and keep getting more and more miserable until I fucking die. Naturally or by my own hand. 

 

I'm giving this FBI thing and this writing gig thing some time to flesh out, I'm latched on to these alternatives. I'm desperate for an alternative, really. I want to fully commit to fucking something, anything, for once in my life. Death, a new career, isolation vs intimacy, stagnation vs the other one. Perspiration.

 

It's weird I don't have much else to back me up lately. Vague goals. No motivation. Fucking pipe dreams in my head all day. But here I am on the couch stoned. A tale as old as time.

 

I just really hate birthdays.  Is that what's fuckin with me rn. All week. was just the birthday greetings and the reminders that I have distant friendships I never maintained or fostered that well. I feel very alone in this world. Almost completely. I thought I wanted it this way. And now I'm too tired to fix it. Too unbothered, too careless. What would it even mean to fix any of the problems in my life. That sort of thing.

 

I feel detached from myself. From those around me. I'm detached from everything I do and say. It's not even me anymore. 

 

I think that's the part I liked about edge game 46. Having that second camera, that third personview. Watching yourself watch something like that. Depersonalization. Like watching yourself on tv. Ha ha Truman show ha.

 

I was able to go to that show but I left.after 10 minutes cuz it was hot and lame and dead anyway, there were like 7 people there and I'm sure half those people were the openers lmao. God that's embarrassing...I hope nobody noticed me coming and going after 2 songs lmao.

Fucking Oktoberfest was happening right out side and the energy was so much brighter on the street than in this pretentious fuckin coffee shop. I wanted to see the local scene but that shit was so wack!!! And instead I walked around for. An hour and sat on a bench for an hour and just enjoyed the energy. To be somewhere so charged, the kind of environment I feel like I've gotten used to being alone, where I've ever been with other people for the majority of my life. 

 

But that was the first fall festival/activity thing I've been to alone an it made me extremely nostalgic. Sad, even. 

 

The experience of having to sit with strangers on the bench was exhausting enough apparently. To sit there quietly and not make eye contact or interact in any way. Was a very conscious effort to remain relaxed around them. And being extremely cautious not to stare at any person walking by for too long. Walked back to my car and felt good that I had at least tried to enjoy the thing I went out to do. 

 

It's all this self pitying like, I don't deserve these things. I don't deserve nice people in my life I'm a terrible friend to most people. And I just use that to justify pushing people way indefinitely. Even though I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about them l. I spend most of my time thinking about other people, and I spend close to zero percent of my time interacting or speaking with them. Neat.

 

I went to that open mic and introduced myself for one of the comics I ran into on the street, and I tried being all nice and shit to him for some reason, cuz I guess he just moved to SD like 2 days prior and was just looking to explore. So I walk him around gaslamp and try to be super cool and sociable for some reason. Like really forcing this old shtick I used to do all the time and so was never genuine but it was the only way I knew how to operate. I now I realize it's so much easier and less draining to not be that charming or kind or interested. And I can't justify ever going back to that level of social networking. But maybe this is supposed to be the progression anyway. Gonna turn into the" I'm Tweety bird don't fuck with me" vibe posts that aunts share on facebook. I'm turning into that 

 

I think i should read this on the podcast in its entirety. Like no preface or anything just go directly into the notes. I'm not even gonna bother reading this in the morning before doing the episode, all my cringe will be authentic. No context just reading dumb shit I wrote and then you can just turn the video off or stop listening. Which is the unspoken rule of every episode of edge game..is that you are allowed to leave at any point. and u r encouraged to do so. 

 

How I started googling comedy clubs shootings thinking about how the "has anybody shot up a comedy club yet?" joke would play at the open mic. And found out that apparently there was a thing in July 2022 with fucking Craig Robinson headlining and the dude just busted in and threatened people. I don't fucking know I gotta reread that shit and get back to you. Cuz honestly that ruins the fucking joke!!! but honestly I don't remember anyone even talking about it or seeing that shit on socials. 

But I feel like the comedy club shooting is not a thing yet. But seems like it would be the obvious location??? Like after watching the joker, somebody should have been inspired to kill at the club. I don't get it! The movie' s been out for like 3 fuckin years!  Where is the comedy club shooting!!! Like legit one not this pussy ass Craig Robinson thing. okay so it was an active shooter but nobody got hurt and Craig Robinson was evacuated to a nearby big time rush concert hahahaha where he went on IG live to share the story immediately but also to apparently share the btr concert. And he's got like the stage zoomed in and it's 240p quality like he recorded it on fucking flipphone and he's like yea I'm good y'all and it's a fuckin 5 minute clip of him just crackin jokes and then at the end he's like covid is fuckin over peace out and somebody tells him that they got the shooter in custody and it just ends hahahaha.

 

You can tell he's just like, happy to be alive in that moment and is just recording a fucking btr concert from like lawn seats way in the back and he's just got adrenaline surging through him he doesn't give a fuck. Or he's coming down from the rush. Either way it's kinda surreal and sick you should check it out. I'm gonna repost the whole 5 minute video on IG with no context 

 

Okay I've just been reading more about the fucking comedy club shooting and watching new reports for the past 10 minutes and it's still blowing my mind that I never heard of this until now. I feel like this is easily some major news network would have picked up considering it's related to a washed up but beloved black celebrity ... YouTube has a few videos from 3 local stations and one Hollywood reporter clip. But that's literally it!!  Oh and a vladTV clip hahahahahhaha interviewing luenell about it. Wild

It is now 2am this is a timestamp. I've been trying to watch the luenell vladtv interview for the past 10 minutes but I keep getting distracted.  Eating popcorn now. Cheetos popcorn, what the fuck was I thinking. I'm really goin through it man when I start buying junk food. It's funny how that's supposedly bottom for me. Buying the one whipped cream can a week to do barely one singular whippet and smoke 2 year old weed the same night. Hell yea dude.

 

I start buying ice cream and taco bell again. I'm extremely preoccupied with my appearance. Who's to say I wasnt already before I started doing porn, before I started jerking my little peepee for the my little edging podcast. It seems like doing porn justifies having spent my life so obsessed with my appearance, that it's one of the few careers that directly benefits from just appearing to be healthy and fit, and also appearing to be mentally unstable. Maybe that's most of entertainment iunno!!! Who knew!!!

 

Okay now I'm gonan eat fucking Cheetos popcorn and pretzels and dip and try to finish watching the rest of sideways for the first time ever. 

 

Lingerers man.fucking lingerers. I thought hurricane season was over! Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh (Seth Rogan laugh). I'm Jewish!

 

Okay like 90 minutes into sideways and all I can think is wow I'm glad I watched this so I can finally get the reference from Zach galfiinakis live at the purple onion

 

This is time stamp 3:28 am and I am uh, going to bed and to try to read more fuckin Johnathan franzen and feel refreshed and glad I smoked weed so I could I taste shizophrenia one more time. Next time I'll just do shrooms and I'll do that episode fuckin LIVE unscripted raw n uncut like the time I tried to do a camshow on acid but ended up just recording 4 hours of me writhing around on the ground and dressing and undressing repeatedly and talking at the camera as if I were talking to Zach galfiinakis himself because I had just finished watching fucking Baskets that dumb FX show it was fine but like it just could have been so much more with the kind of people they had working on it but hwatever!!! A sad clown show!!! Whoopee!!! 

 

Obsession with clowns. I am fascinated by the clown. 

If I get that FX job I'm going to write the best clown of all time. even better than any joker. 

And if not I'll just do read it on this stupid show.  I'll just take every single little note I've ever written or journaled and read it aloud for filler. And nobody is gonna stop me!!! Hahahahahah!!!!

 

I journal on Google docs!!!! It's insane!!!!! I'm flying home just to break into my dad's house to collect my journals if he hasn't already thrown out all my shit. 2 years.

 

Okay anyway sideways. Good luck and good night.

 

I bought the perfume my highschool sweetheart used to wear and once in a while I'll spray it on myself just to reminisce and feel bittersweet and today was one of those days. It's called Refuge by Charlotte Reusse  and it smells like fucking apples and pears and maybe what a stripper would wear but I love it and associate it with desperately dry humping to completion in khaki chinos from pac sun and being manic at homecoming

 

Blueberries are so good. I feel like I've never eaten just plain blueberries by themselves. Or at least I never liked them

 

Anyway I'm gay. Good luck and good night

 

Thinking about the way mom used to say the word miserable whenever she'd describe how I made her feel. How being around me made her feel, the embarrassment and shame she felt about my issues. how she felt when I was being honest about my feelings. But I guess she was just being honest about her own emotions. Supposedly. It was hard not to feel like it was all part of a manipulative guilt trip, only because that was the only word that she would pull out that got me to shut up. Because she made it clear that the conversation was making her miserable and that by choosing to continue the conversation I would be knowingly and purposefully making her more miserable. And what kind of son would do that.

Anyway the word miserable makes my heart sink, no matter where I hear it or read it. I never think of myself as miserable, even at my lowest. I would say depressed or down or literally just suicidal, but never miserable. My mom in those moments, when she was miserable. I haven't approached that yet. It seems foreign to me, like something she would only expect me to understand when I was older. Misery. Her misery. His misery. Hisery. Miserable is the buzz word, an extreme of the emotional spectrum. 

My dad seems miserable but unsure of how to express or even recognize misery. I was always paranoid that I was making people around me miserable, not just my parents. And in a way I think that's how my mom lives her life, just hyperaware of her ability to ruin the mood, to bring people down with her. she never expressed this to me, but her actions reflect this calculated internal martyrdom. Like she knew she was saving everyone the trouble of dealing with her when she wasn't ready to perform socially.

 

And now I find myself wanting to cut everyone off for the rest of my life. Following her footsteps. Supposedly she disappeared from the family for a couple years. Nobody knew where she was or what she was doing. and then she met my dad and he insisted on meeting her family and all that so she reinserted herself into their lives.

And I wonder if that would play out the same way for me. Except I have no intention of meeting someone who wants to meet the family. I can only assume my mom was thinking the same thing when she ghosted her family, that she was never going back, crawling back, with a boyfriend/fiance in tow. I've tried asking her about what happened during those years, what was going on in her life, in her mind, what she was doing. And she didn't wanna talk about any of it. All she said was that after her father died she was not good. I couldn't relate.

 

She knows I take her and my dad for granted. it makes more sense to disappear after your parents are dead. Cuz that's the only real occasion you would be expected to show up to anyway. And it's one of the few reasons somebody would try to find you/reach out to you if you were gone for a long time. To let you know your parents died. My mom and stepdad have all their financials in order for the funeral and all that. The only one I'll be responsible for is my dad's, considering he's perpetually on the verge of bankruptcy years into his 60s. Should be starting my paternal funeral fund sooner than later. It would be nice to just send the money in and pay someone to handle all the arrangements. Maybe zoom call in to the death events. Would have been infinitely more convenient if they died during peak pandemic.

 

I'll give them like another year to croak and then I'm peacing out. I figure I should tell at least one person that I'll be going ghost indefinitely, and I guess that person is you. And u can show them this podcast and someone will say hey that was nice of him to read his own suicide notes aloud for the blind. 

I'm never smoking weed again.

Who fucking cares!!!!

THE FBI CARES!!!!

And that's all that matters.

And that has made all the difference.

I'm geraldo rivera, your host, and I'm gay. Hello.

Good luck and good night